“I don’t even know why I’m,” cough, “going up there.” Our little, smoke-filled 2001 Camry chugged along at 25 mph on 86 North, despite Toto’s nagging suggestions to at least match the 50 mph speed limit. He is so impatient--I think it’s because he’s an only child. Note, this is also the reasoning I use to explain his laziness, his unkemptness and his drug dependence. My drug dependence, on the other hand, is based on my alienation as a child.
“Well, your aunt died. She was your mom’s sister. It seems likely that you’d want to,” cough, “pay your last respects.”
“I have no respects left to pay that bitch.”
“Well, at least you can get some,” cough, “closure.”
“I guess. Say, would it be wrong to just lift one foot, let’s say the left, and just,” cough, “stomp her face in. It’s just one foot, you know? And it’s all in the effort for,” cough, cough, “closure.”
“I wouldn’t have a problem with it, it’s not like she can feel it.”
“Exactly!”
“But I can’t vouch for the others in your family. They might take offense, but if everyone’s drunk, who knows? Could be the start of something, a tradition, a nom de guerre some might say.”
“Obviously only those who don’t know what ‘nom de guerre’ actually means.”
“Baby you’re just,” cough, “splitting hairs. Just chill out. It won’t be that bad.”
“I think you’re wrong. I think this is going to be the worst day of my life and I’m none too happy about that. I was having such a good month, too.” Cough, cough. “I got a raise at my job.”
“Yay!”
“I found a quarter in the middle of the street.”
“Wow, really? Not just a really big nickel?”
“That’s what I thought at first, but no. It was an actual quarter.”
“Yay!”
“And my aunt died and that really brightened up last week.”
“Yay!”
“But this FUCKING funeral! Can’t we just turn around?”
“You’re still driving--25.”
“I’m not speeding up.”
“But how do you think this looks? I mean you ARE black.”
“What? Oh, yeah. I always forget that. Well, it’s time for you to take over anyway.”
“All right, fine. But I’m flooring it all the way. Scoot over.”
“Can I pull over first?”
“Fuck that. I’ll grab the wheel, you keep your foot on the gas and we’ll just switch places. It’ll be fun.”
“That’s dumb.”
“You’re face is dumb.”
“Good comeback.” Eventually, though, he wore me down. He always does and I usually regret it. This time was no exception.
“I still think we should turn around for that joint.”
He looked at me with that look. That look that meant, ‘I’m not in the mood to fucking joke with you, Toto, so just shut up.’ I’m not going to lie, that look kinda turns me on. It’s full of so much anger and passion…when he gets mad—not that I intentionally make him mad, but I don’t usually feel that bad about it. In hindsight, however, it might have been better if we hadn’t decided—okay, if I hadn’t decided—to switch seats while passing by a state trooper. I honestly didn’t see him, but I was still holding the spliff in my left hand and Bri just ripped it out of my hand and threw it to the side of the road. I really didn’t mind, but there was at least a few puffs left in that thing. But whatever. I wasn’t even that serious.
He’s on edge, understandably. He doesn’t want to go to this funeral but of course he is. He won’t admit to himself that he still has feelings for his family, if not necessarily love, he has a history with them. It’s harder for me to understand because I’ve always been pretty close with my family. They’re totally cool with me being gay. Well, at least that’s what they say. But it doesn’t matter what they think so much as what they give me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but I love them a lot more when they get me an iPod for Chanukah. Grandma was awesome, though. When I came out she practically wet herself with excitement. Turns out she was a big time hag back when people didn’t have TVs and condoms. According to her, everybody fucked everybody because there was nothing else to do. You just didn’t talk about it because your private life was private, and then she went into this rant about how the government has too much control over us and totalitarian this, Big Brother that. I stopped paying attention because she’s old and her voice gets unpleasant after a while. But she was the only one who fully supported me when I came out…I wonder if Brian’s family knows?
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