Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Sardines in a Can

Living a life underground is no way to live.

Falling asleep to the trembling whir of the locomotive only to wake and realize that not only did you miss your stop, but also that the next train won't be coming for another 2 hours due to weekend construction sure can throw a kink into your day. So can having to wait 20 minutes between Manhattan and Brooklyn, pressed against 80 sweaty passengers on the L train--which for some reason isn't air conditioned. And then there was the five minute hold up at 1st Ave, the smarter/weaker of commuters chosing to disembark rather than wait for to die like the rest of us. These are the moments that test one's faith.

Once New York held the promise of a new life, wanton sex, decadent fashion and enough drugs to forget the pain of an old life. But when you can barely afford to pay the rent to your cramped, shitty apartment with your shitty roommates in some shitty part of Brooklyn that no one has ever heard of, there is nothing to keep those Golightly dreams alive. I went to Philly the other day and everyone I met there wanted to know all about Manhattan. When I told them that I was tired of it, they asked: Who gets tired of New York? New Yorkers.

In truth, the city can be harsh, ugly, dangerous, loud, cramped, annoying and a whole other series of negative adjectives. With 8 trillion people packed into five bouroughs, it's no wonder I feel as if I'm in hell sometimes. But I picked this city to live in and it can kick me around, shove me into walls, crash into me on the stairs and grope me inappropriately when it thinks I'm asleep, but this is the city for me. Because I push back. I went to Philly the other day and everyone I met wanted to know all about Manhattan. When I told them I was tired of it, they asked: Well, why don't you move? Because suck as it might, it's still the best place in the world. For all the shit it throws my way, this is the only place I can be myself and become who I want to be...



Liza Minnelli circa 1972. Make sure to catch my concert special "Cheki with a Shh!," choreographed by Bob Fosse...'s neighbor's aunt's tranny hairdresser.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Mmmm, Hot Nerd

I just had an excellent sighting. Now, we've all seen attractive guys who happen to wear glasses. Yes, it's unbelievably sexy and only leads down the road of you being bent over a twin sized bed in his mom's basement, drunk off Zima because apparently being hot is a full time job and affords no feelings of motivation or advancement. But those guys aren't nerds. They're probably not even smart. And I would check those glasses to make sure there are actually lenses in them. What I saw today was the real McCoy. Ill-fitting, ugly short-sleeve PLAID button up shirt. K-Mart khakis that stop just short of the ankle--revealing ankle socks, naturally. Grungy sneakers that say I don't need/can't afford to buy new shoes because I'm kind of a genius and I'm above that. Finally, he had the too small backpack that he's probably had since the 8th grade (aww). On anyone else, this would be off-putting at best. But if you took his clothes off with your teeth as I imagined doing, he could easily be a male model. Strong, solid build, gorgeous face, great skin. I mean who the hell are you? I swore it was just some hot piece with a healthy sense of irony posing as a geek. But then he flashed his college ID--pre-med. After that, I needed a minute and a wet nap to gain my composure. However, beautiful. Simply, beautiful.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Short Story: "It Fits, But You Can't Make It Work," Part 2

“I don’t even know why I’m,” cough, “going up there.” Our little, smoke-filled 2001 Camry chugged along at 25 mph on 86 North, despite Toto’s nagging suggestions to at least match the 50 mph speed limit. He is so impatient--I think it’s because he’s an only child. Note, this is also the reasoning I use to explain his laziness, his unkemptness and his drug dependence. My drug dependence, on the other hand, is based on my alienation as a child.
“Well, your aunt died. She was your mom’s sister. It seems likely that you’d want to,” cough, “pay your last respects.”
“I have no respects left to pay that bitch.”
“Well, at least you can get some,” cough, “closure.”
“I guess. Say, would it be wrong to just lift one foot, let’s say the left, and just,” cough, “stomp her face in. It’s just one foot, you know? And it’s all in the effort for,” cough, cough, “closure.”
“I wouldn’t have a problem with it, it’s not like she can feel it.”
“Exactly!”
“But I can’t vouch for the others in your family. They might take offense, but if everyone’s drunk, who knows? Could be the start of something, a tradition, a nom de guerre some might say.”
“Obviously only those who don’t know what ‘nom de guerre’ actually means.”
“Baby you’re just,” cough, “splitting hairs. Just chill out. It won’t be that bad.”
“I think you’re wrong. I think this is going to be the worst day of my life and I’m none too happy about that. I was having such a good month, too.” Cough, cough. “I got a raise at my job.”
“Yay!”
“I found a quarter in the middle of the street.”
“Wow, really? Not just a really big nickel?”
“That’s what I thought at first, but no. It was an actual quarter.”
“Yay!”
“And my aunt died and that really brightened up last week.”
“Yay!”
“But this FUCKING funeral! Can’t we just turn around?”
“You’re still driving--25.”
“I’m not speeding up.”
“But how do you think this looks? I mean you ARE black.”
“What? Oh, yeah. I always forget that. Well, it’s time for you to take over anyway.”
“All right, fine. But I’m flooring it all the way. Scoot over.”
“Can I pull over first?”
“Fuck that. I’ll grab the wheel, you keep your foot on the gas and we’ll just switch places. It’ll be fun.”
“That’s dumb.”
“You’re face is dumb.”
“Good comeback.” Eventually, though, he wore me down. He always does and I usually regret it. This time was no exception.

“I still think we should turn around for that joint.”
He looked at me with that look. That look that meant, ‘I’m not in the mood to fucking joke with you, Toto, so just shut up.’ I’m not going to lie, that look kinda turns me on. It’s full of so much anger and passion…when he gets mad—not that I intentionally make him mad, but I don’t usually feel that bad about it. In hindsight, however, it might have been better if we hadn’t decided—okay, if I hadn’t decided—to switch seats while passing by a state trooper. I honestly didn’t see him, but I was still holding the spliff in my left hand and Bri just ripped it out of my hand and threw it to the side of the road. I really didn’t mind, but there was at least a few puffs left in that thing. But whatever. I wasn’t even that serious.
He’s on edge, understandably. He doesn’t want to go to this funeral but of course he is. He won’t admit to himself that he still has feelings for his family, if not necessarily love, he has a history with them. It’s harder for me to understand because I’ve always been pretty close with my family. They’re totally cool with me being gay. Well, at least that’s what they say. But it doesn’t matter what they think so much as what they give me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but I love them a lot more when they get me an iPod for Chanukah. Grandma was awesome, though. When I came out she practically wet herself with excitement. Turns out she was a big time hag back when people didn’t have TVs and condoms. According to her, everybody fucked everybody because there was nothing else to do. You just didn’t talk about it because your private life was private, and then she went into this rant about how the government has too much control over us and totalitarian this, Big Brother that. I stopped paying attention because she’s old and her voice gets unpleasant after a while. But she was the only one who fully supported me when I came out…I wonder if Brian’s family knows?

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Short Story: "It Fits, But You Can't Make It Work", Part 1

April, but it’s unseasonably cool. Or maybe it’s supposed to be this cool and it’s just been unseasonably warm for the past few years. Maybe it’s not seasonable at all. Is 50 degrees even considered ‘cool’ anymore? The sky must be punishing us for past transgressions, hiding the sun behind those thick corpulent clouds. But at least the flowers are beginning to bloom. That’s one good thing I can say about Sacton, spring is always beautiful up here. I’d have to dig deep in order to find anything else, though.
The roads are still that pristine dark black from the earlier rainstorm. They look so disgusting when they’re gray, especially if it’s accented by the corpse of an overzealous rabbit. The last time I came up here, about three years ago, this road was littered with dead bodies, as if I was driving through some petting zoo Jonestown. I should have turned back when I saw that first deer on the side of the road. It was a fawn, with a white tail and little white specks on it’s back. I had to pull over the car and just…be for a moment. Just absorb it. Then I saw his mother come out from the sparse woods, nudging her baby and it was the saddest thing I’d seen up til then. Being only nineteen, I hadn’t seen very much. But I should have turned back. I don’t think I know why I didn’t.
Topher’s with me this time. My little Toto. Ever since that last trip I refused to come up here ever again, but things inevitably change. I didn’t want to go alone and I was kind of surprised when Toto offered to come along with me, something about wanting to meet my family and all that. To be clear, I never wanted to meet his family. Nor do I ever want to. I find that they have a clan mentality. Not all families, just the ones I’ve encountered. They accept you initially as a guest and let you begin to feel like you’re one of them. But sooner or later you realize that you’re NOT one of them, you’re just another outsider. A withered brown leaf on their geneaological tree, destined to fall off and float away. But more power to Toto.


“Do you think you can take over soon?” I asked. I’ve always hated driving, unless you have nowhere to go. Driving aimlessly is akin to meditation for me. The road wraps itself around my mind and we disappear together. When you get lost, you’re not really lost at all because you’re not trying to find a specific location. You’re just discovering the world around you. As soon as you introduce a map, that’s when I lose all interest.
“Yeah, give me like five minutes.” I look over at my co-pilot, Toto, rolling a joint between his long nimble fingers. He said he used to play the piano, but when I asked him to teach me he refused. So I think that piano was just code for accordion.
“You do realize this is a rental?”
“It’ll be okay. We’ll just roll the windows down. Or,” dipping his bushy, curly hair into his book bag and re-emerging shortly with a thick glass bottle the size of Pepto Bismol, “we could hotbox and just spray it down with a little Coolwater.”
I considered for a minute then rolled up my window. If it had been Polo, I might have answered differently.
“We should probably pick up some Febreeze or something on the way. It’s impossible to get weed stench out of fabric.”
Toto looked at me, grinning, with the lit paper clenched between his yellowing teeth, his eyes obscured by the canopy of hair on his head. “That’s why I don’t bother to wash my clothes anymore.”
“Well, thank god one of us does.”

Thursday, May 11, 2006

An Ode to the 40



You know it is wrong
But it is also 2 bucks
And bitch needs to drink

Monday, May 08, 2006

I Need You...to Hold Me, to Scold Me, Cuz When I'm Bad, Mmmm, I'm Oh So Bad: 1-5

So I had a dance-related injury on Friday night. I had to serve someone in an impromptu dance-off and as a result my left leg is a little tight. But alas, that is the spirit of disco: drunk and high, dancing your knees off til the early morning hours. It's good to know that some values never die, huh? So without further adue, let's get on with this list:

1. Cheryl Lynn - "Got to Be Real" (Cheryl Lynn, 1978)



"What you thiiiiiiiiink-uh? What you feeeeeeeeeeeeeel, now? What you knooooooow-a? To be REAL! It's got to be REAL!" It all starts with those walls of Jericho-shattering horn stabs and you know that your rump will not stop bumping for the next 3 and 1/2, or 5 minutes, depending on which version you get. I suggest the shorter as you get to hear Cheryl "soo-hoo"-ing all over the place in the middle. It sets the bar deliriously high in the beginning and it keeps it floating and spinning til the very last drum kick. Perfect song? Perhaps. Best song ever? Well, having heard every song that ever was at least 5 times, I can safely say that it obviously is. And anyone who says different is a heathen. A disco-hating heathen.

2. The Emotions - "Best of My Love" (Rejoice, 1977)



Oh, The Emotions. Oh, you. You and your infectious joy. Little angels. Taking it from the church straight into la discoteque. Jesus, get off that cross right now and show us that six pack! Mmm, our Father who art in heaven, indeed. "Best of My Love" really is just a gospel song, dipped in shimmer, washed in fabulous and left out to dry on a gold lame clothing line. Sure, some may find that a bit sacreligious, but honestly the Puritans never knew how to let their hair down.


3. LaBelle - "Lady Marmalade" (Nightbirds, 1974)




That beat just walks all over you in its silver 6-inch spiked cha cha heels, don't it? It grabs you, screws you and never lets you go. At night, I can still hear it calling me in the middle of the night: more, more, MORE! Gitchy, gitchy ya ya da da da. Gitchy, gitchy, ya, ya hey. Mocha, choca lata ya ya, Creole Lady Marmalade! Ooh, ah. Little sticky here. Wow, napkin, someone?The connection between disco and sex was never clearer and this funk masterpiece laid the sultry roots for all other disco cuts to come. Oh, and do yourself a favor and pick up Nightbirds. Patti, Nona Hendryx and Sarah Dash soaring through glam, soul, funk and disco. You're welcome.


4. Anita Ward - "Ring My Bell" (Songs of Love, 1979)




If you're listening to this song for the first time, it will most likely come off a bit strange. First of all, it doesn't hit you over the head with a propulsive beat, nor will it ever. The real charm in this song is in its seductiveness. Anita is talking to you like she has a dick in one side of her mouth and a ball gag in the other. Things are going to get hard, sweaty and little illegal in 49 states in no uncertain terms. Ring a ding ding ding, baby.

5. Vickie Sue Robinson - "Turn the Beat Around" (Never Gonna Let You Go, 1976)



What can I possibly say? That percussion section. Vickie Sue's inspired performance. It's like someone kicked you in the head with badassness and left you to drown in your own blood, only to hallucinate that you were living inside Jesus' own personal marching band. Gloria Estefan tried to cover this song, but she pales miserably in comparison to the original. That and she's Cuban so it's innately inferior.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

No Blacks, No Jews and No Ga-hays!: 6-10

6. ABBA - Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)(ABBA: Gold, 1994)



I never knew ABBA could be so suggestive. Or aggressive. I really thought that the Nordic folk never had sex, but produced offspring through a rather complex, rhythmic dance to generic pop music passed down over the generations. But ABBA proved me wrong, as they often do. The ladies and gentle-Swedes of the world's favorite reclusive supergroup command you to drop trou and start stepping along with the beat. Thanks Madge (and Jimmy) for introducing us.


7. Thelma Houston - "Don't Leave Me This Way" (Any Way You Like It, 1976)





Some people want you to beg for them. They feel that they're just so impossibly stupendous that one must genuflect in their presence. But not Thelma Houston. Sure, she plays that game for a minute then the beat kicks in and shit is on. Disco kick! Ugh! Yell in that fucker's face and let him know that this puss is Grade A. Bravo, Ms. Houston.

8. Machine - "There But for the Grace if God Go I" (Machine, 1979)



Wow, a disco song about actual social issues. But when you set that scene against one of the most insane tracks, like, ever, suddenly social commentary can do the hustle just like everyone else. And blow in the bathroom like everyone else, too.

9. Chic - "I Want Your Love" (C'est Chic, 1978)



Sheer beauty. Just listen to those bells. Though it doesn't have the life-saving bassline of "Le Freak," it don't need it. That feathery vocal, the pounding bells and those sweet strings all volleying off one another, it makes you want to fall in love with the next stranger that looks at ya. Well, hello there. Sure, you're balding, fat and probably have a baby meekrat's penis, but "I Want Your Love." Mmmm, funk.

10. The Whispers - "And the Beat Goes On" (The Whispers, 1980)



Way before Will Smith sampled it for his PG-rated ode to "Miami," the Whispers funked all over the place with this. Turn it on, turn it up and try not to bop your head along to their groove. I dare you, bitch.

You Can Dance and You Can Die: 11-15

11. Blondie - "Heart of Glass" (Parallel Lines, 1978)



God Debbie Harry was one fine piece of ass back in the day. Hell, I'd probably still do her now, but only if she were whispering the lyrics to this song in my ear. No disco diva, this song managed to meld the worlds of disco, new wave and punk together long enough to realize that they couldn't stand each other. Then punk kicked disco in the nuts, new wave spit in its face and disco limped back to it's glitter ball.


12. Yvonne Elliman - "If I Can't Have You" (Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack, 1977)




"Saturday Night Fever", huh, kids? One of the touchstones of a generation yet it also sparked a massive backlash against disco. The boogie balloon got so big that it had to burst it's sequined insides at some point. But before it did, it gave us this Bee Gees-penned classic sung by Yvonne Elliman.


13. Earth, Wind & Fire Featuring The Emotions - "Boogie Wonderland" (I Am, 1979)




What is Boogie Wonderland? Why, the place where funk and disco meet, have slimy, unprotected sex and produce beautiful, afro-haired babies with the innate ability to boogie down, of course.

14. ABBA - "Voulez-Vous" (Voulez-Vous, 1979)



No offense to "Dancing Queen" but I simply can't resist the triumphant "a-ha!s" in the background. It's like those crazy Swedes are proclaiming their own awesomeness. Can we rock? A-ha! Can we make you dance? A-ha! Voulez-vous? A-ha!

15. Diana Ross - "Upside Down" (diana, 1980)



How can you possibly lose? Diana Ross + Chic's Nile Rodgers and Bernard Edwards = Disco Gold. Come on everybody, let's all chant it together: Upside down you're turning me/ You're giving love instinctively/ Round and round you're turning me/ I say to thee/ Respectfully!"

Toot Toot, Heeeeeyyy, Beep Beep: 16-20

16. Evelyn "Champagne" King - "Shame" (Smooth Talk, 1977)



Champagne was only 16 when she recorded this song, not like you could tell. Her best song, "Shame" is a bitch slap on wax. "SHAME! Burning, you keep my whole body yearning." But it's also a call to love--sweet sweet disco love--as "Wrapped in your arms is where I want to be."

17. Donna Summer - "Bad Girls" (Bad Girls, 1979)



Donna really hit a one-two punch with this track and "Hot Stuff" in '79. But for my money, "Bad Girls" takes the cake. When I walk down the street, I secrelty chant "toot toot, heeeyyy beep beep" with each step, all the while pretending I'm on the prowl for my next meal ticket. It's good to be a bad girl.

18. The Andrea True Connection - "More, More, More" (More, More, More, 1976)



A porn star doing disco, it all seems so appropos. It's the 70s, let's all fuck and dance and then record ourselves fucking and dancing. But when the song is this good, you could kill Sudanese orphans in the recording process and I wouldn't care...too soon?


19. First Choice - "Let No Man Put Asunder"/ "Dr. Love"(Delusions, 1977)





I really love when god and disco meet. I once saw god blowing Mikhail Baryshnikov at 54 and he looked fffaaaaaaattt. Then Dr. Love came over and started playing with god's balls and it got a little weird. But how could the big guy resist with First Choice beckoning him to the dance floor?

20. Donna Summer - "Hot Stuff" (Bad Girls, 1979)



"Gotta have some hot stuff, gotta have some love tonight!" Woo, turn the cameras off, Donna. There might not be 12 minutes of moaning, but this is arguably her sexiest and sassiest song.

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Some Disco After Midnight!: 21-25

I don't know if it's the return of spandex and feathered hair a la Madonna, or the fact that I just need to dance but I am in love with disco right now. Well, honestly, I'm always in love with disco, and not ironically. Yes, it's cheesy, but once you get over that you realize just how awesome some of these songs are. Just close your eyes, crank up some Donna Summer's "I Feel Love" in your headphones and try not to feel transcendent. Thus I decided on the long walk to work that I would rank my favorite disco gems, 25-1. Strap on your rollerskates, wipe off the mirror and pull Liza's number out of your rolodex cuz it's time to go to Funkytown, population: funk.

21.Diana Ross- "Love Hangover" (Diana Ross, 1976)



If there's a cure for this, I don't want it, don't want it," Ms. Ross coos before the song inevitably crescendoes into an orgy of beats and moans and one of her best singles/biggest hits. You can just see the disco ball, can't you?

22.Evelyn "Champagne" King - "Love Come Down" (Get Loose, 1982)



And Evelyn, you make my love come down my leg. Pass me a wet nap.

23. Carl Carlton - "Everlasting Love" (Everlasting Love, 1974)



Why, hello, Mr. Carlton. One of the most joyous songs ever recorded, it's all over in two and a half minutes and you don't even know what hit you.

24. Sylvester - "You Make Me Feel Mighty Real" (Mighty Real, 1980)



Fuck the Bee Gees, this is how you do falsetto, kids.


25. Silver Connection - "Fly, Robin, Fly" (Save Me, 1975)




"Fly, Robin, fly! Up, up to the sky!" No other lyrics, but with that bassline and those strings you really don't need anything else.