So just barely over a week into becoming the proud parents of two kittens, my roommates and I have decided to give up and return the little buggers from whence they came. It breaks my icy heart, but it is a decision that simply had to be made. It turns out that Chairman Meow and Fosse Uggums are sick. And I don't mean BDSM sick, also known as the "fun sick," but more along the lines of shitting blood sick--the "gross, should we call an old priest and a young priest?" kind of sick. And being broke college students, we just don't have the time, money or the amount of sober acumen necessary to take care of two child cats. Le sigh. Le purr. Le fuck. Oh, well. Anyone want a pair of blood-shitting cats?
In other mews (PUN!), I've finally learned the choreography to "Bye, Bye Blackbird" from Liza with a Z and my gay little heart couldn't be any giddier. It's only a matter of time before I re-enact the entire concert a la Rufus Wainwright, but my reviews will be considerably more favorable. After all, these gams were made for dancin'!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Fresh Pussy
So my roommates and I acquired two kittens over the weekend. I like to say acquire as if the cat-retrieving process involved some sort of seedy deal with a seven-fingered man with only a passing acquaintance with the English language and a Jansport backpack stuffed with wide-eyed domestic animals he smuggled into the country in his rectum, but we actually adopted them from a precious cat lady in Ozone Park. One is a champagne-colored ball of cuteness and diarrhea with swirls on its coat, unimagintaively named "Chairman Meow" by my roomie. Way to go for the easy joke, Spatz. The other is black and white. And a killer. Seriously, don't turn your back on this mother fucker or you'll end up dick down on the floor desperately trying to dig whiskers from your exposed pancreas. And he goes by the name Leslie "Fosse" Uggums aka Chuck Norris aka Moo Too aka Dirt McGirt aka That Fucked Up Nigga. Full name or nothing, he gets a little pissed if you don't address him properly.
These are my first pets, like ever, barring the various rats and roaches I befriended in my childhood. I've never really been an animal lover, because if I wanted to smell like I was shat and peed upon all day I'd just give into the voices in my head, throw on a potato sack and live on the L train. Hi. But these kittens are SO FUCKING CUTE!!!! Just looking at them play, explore and throw back high balls fills me with a feeling I've never known before. Could it...is it...LOVE? Or maybe it was that Fancy Feast I ate last night. Damn cat food always looks so damn appetizing in those damn commercials. But who am I kidding? I love those little fur-ball coughing assholes. Look for me in the near future running from my apartment throwing live cat grenades at those who would dare intrude upon my fastidious feline flat.
These are my first pets, like ever, barring the various rats and roaches I befriended in my childhood. I've never really been an animal lover, because if I wanted to smell like I was shat and peed upon all day I'd just give into the voices in my head, throw on a potato sack and live on the L train. Hi. But these kittens are SO FUCKING CUTE!!!! Just looking at them play, explore and throw back high balls fills me with a feeling I've never known before. Could it...is it...LOVE? Or maybe it was that Fancy Feast I ate last night. Damn cat food always looks so damn appetizing in those damn commercials. But who am I kidding? I love those little fur-ball coughing assholes. Look for me in the near future running from my apartment throwing live cat grenades at those who would dare intrude upon my fastidious feline flat.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Sardines in a Can
Living a life underground is no way to live.
Falling asleep to the trembling whir of the locomotive only to wake and realize that not only did you miss your stop, but also that the next train won't be coming for another 2 hours due to weekend construction sure can throw a kink into your day. So can having to wait 20 minutes between Manhattan and Brooklyn, pressed against 80 sweaty passengers on the L train--which for some reason isn't air conditioned. And then there was the five minute hold up at 1st Ave, the smarter/weaker of commuters chosing to disembark rather than wait for to die like the rest of us. These are the moments that test one's faith.
Once New York held the promise of a new life, wanton sex, decadent fashion and enough drugs to forget the pain of an old life. But when you can barely afford to pay the rent to your cramped, shitty apartment with your shitty roommates in some shitty part of Brooklyn that no one has ever heard of, there is nothing to keep those Golightly dreams alive. I went to Philly the other day and everyone I met there wanted to know all about Manhattan. When I told them that I was tired of it, they asked: Who gets tired of New York? New Yorkers.
In truth, the city can be harsh, ugly, dangerous, loud, cramped, annoying and a whole other series of negative adjectives. With 8 trillion people packed into five bouroughs, it's no wonder I feel as if I'm in hell sometimes. But I picked this city to live in and it can kick me around, shove me into walls, crash into me on the stairs and grope me inappropriately when it thinks I'm asleep, but this is the city for me. Because I push back. I went to Philly the other day and everyone I met wanted to know all about Manhattan. When I told them I was tired of it, they asked: Well, why don't you move? Because suck as it might, it's still the best place in the world. For all the shit it throws my way, this is the only place I can be myself and become who I want to be...
Liza Minnelli circa 1972. Make sure to catch my concert special "Cheki with a Shh!," choreographed by Bob Fosse...'s neighbor's aunt's tranny hairdresser.
Falling asleep to the trembling whir of the locomotive only to wake and realize that not only did you miss your stop, but also that the next train won't be coming for another 2 hours due to weekend construction sure can throw a kink into your day. So can having to wait 20 minutes between Manhattan and Brooklyn, pressed against 80 sweaty passengers on the L train--which for some reason isn't air conditioned. And then there was the five minute hold up at 1st Ave, the smarter/weaker of commuters chosing to disembark rather than wait for to die like the rest of us. These are the moments that test one's faith.
Once New York held the promise of a new life, wanton sex, decadent fashion and enough drugs to forget the pain of an old life. But when you can barely afford to pay the rent to your cramped, shitty apartment with your shitty roommates in some shitty part of Brooklyn that no one has ever heard of, there is nothing to keep those Golightly dreams alive. I went to Philly the other day and everyone I met there wanted to know all about Manhattan. When I told them that I was tired of it, they asked: Who gets tired of New York? New Yorkers.
In truth, the city can be harsh, ugly, dangerous, loud, cramped, annoying and a whole other series of negative adjectives. With 8 trillion people packed into five bouroughs, it's no wonder I feel as if I'm in hell sometimes. But I picked this city to live in and it can kick me around, shove me into walls, crash into me on the stairs and grope me inappropriately when it thinks I'm asleep, but this is the city for me. Because I push back. I went to Philly the other day and everyone I met wanted to know all about Manhattan. When I told them I was tired of it, they asked: Well, why don't you move? Because suck as it might, it's still the best place in the world. For all the shit it throws my way, this is the only place I can be myself and become who I want to be...
Liza Minnelli circa 1972. Make sure to catch my concert special "Cheki with a Shh!," choreographed by Bob Fosse...'s neighbor's aunt's tranny hairdresser.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Mmmm, Hot Nerd
I just had an excellent sighting. Now, we've all seen attractive guys who happen to wear glasses. Yes, it's unbelievably sexy and only leads down the road of you being bent over a twin sized bed in his mom's basement, drunk off Zima because apparently being hot is a full time job and affords no feelings of motivation or advancement. But those guys aren't nerds. They're probably not even smart. And I would check those glasses to make sure there are actually lenses in them. What I saw today was the real McCoy. Ill-fitting, ugly short-sleeve PLAID button up shirt. K-Mart khakis that stop just short of the ankle--revealing ankle socks, naturally. Grungy sneakers that say I don't need/can't afford to buy new shoes because I'm kind of a genius and I'm above that. Finally, he had the too small backpack that he's probably had since the 8th grade (aww). On anyone else, this would be off-putting at best. But if you took his clothes off with your teeth as I imagined doing, he could easily be a male model. Strong, solid build, gorgeous face, great skin. I mean who the hell are you? I swore it was just some hot piece with a healthy sense of irony posing as a geek. But then he flashed his college ID--pre-med. After that, I needed a minute and a wet nap to gain my composure. However, beautiful. Simply, beautiful.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Short Story: "It Fits, But You Can't Make It Work," Part 2
“I don’t even know why I’m,” cough, “going up there.” Our little, smoke-filled 2001 Camry chugged along at 25 mph on 86 North, despite Toto’s nagging suggestions to at least match the 50 mph speed limit. He is so impatient--I think it’s because he’s an only child. Note, this is also the reasoning I use to explain his laziness, his unkemptness and his drug dependence. My drug dependence, on the other hand, is based on my alienation as a child.
“Well, your aunt died. She was your mom’s sister. It seems likely that you’d want to,” cough, “pay your last respects.”
“I have no respects left to pay that bitch.”
“Well, at least you can get some,” cough, “closure.”
“I guess. Say, would it be wrong to just lift one foot, let’s say the left, and just,” cough, “stomp her face in. It’s just one foot, you know? And it’s all in the effort for,” cough, cough, “closure.”
“I wouldn’t have a problem with it, it’s not like she can feel it.”
“Exactly!”
“But I can’t vouch for the others in your family. They might take offense, but if everyone’s drunk, who knows? Could be the start of something, a tradition, a nom de guerre some might say.”
“Obviously only those who don’t know what ‘nom de guerre’ actually means.”
“Baby you’re just,” cough, “splitting hairs. Just chill out. It won’t be that bad.”
“I think you’re wrong. I think this is going to be the worst day of my life and I’m none too happy about that. I was having such a good month, too.” Cough, cough. “I got a raise at my job.”
“Yay!”
“I found a quarter in the middle of the street.”
“Wow, really? Not just a really big nickel?”
“That’s what I thought at first, but no. It was an actual quarter.”
“Yay!”
“And my aunt died and that really brightened up last week.”
“Yay!”
“But this FUCKING funeral! Can’t we just turn around?”
“You’re still driving--25.”
“I’m not speeding up.”
“But how do you think this looks? I mean you ARE black.”
“What? Oh, yeah. I always forget that. Well, it’s time for you to take over anyway.”
“All right, fine. But I’m flooring it all the way. Scoot over.”
“Can I pull over first?”
“Fuck that. I’ll grab the wheel, you keep your foot on the gas and we’ll just switch places. It’ll be fun.”
“That’s dumb.”
“You’re face is dumb.”
“Good comeback.” Eventually, though, he wore me down. He always does and I usually regret it. This time was no exception.
“I still think we should turn around for that joint.”
He looked at me with that look. That look that meant, ‘I’m not in the mood to fucking joke with you, Toto, so just shut up.’ I’m not going to lie, that look kinda turns me on. It’s full of so much anger and passion…when he gets mad—not that I intentionally make him mad, but I don’t usually feel that bad about it. In hindsight, however, it might have been better if we hadn’t decided—okay, if I hadn’t decided—to switch seats while passing by a state trooper. I honestly didn’t see him, but I was still holding the spliff in my left hand and Bri just ripped it out of my hand and threw it to the side of the road. I really didn’t mind, but there was at least a few puffs left in that thing. But whatever. I wasn’t even that serious.
He’s on edge, understandably. He doesn’t want to go to this funeral but of course he is. He won’t admit to himself that he still has feelings for his family, if not necessarily love, he has a history with them. It’s harder for me to understand because I’ve always been pretty close with my family. They’re totally cool with me being gay. Well, at least that’s what they say. But it doesn’t matter what they think so much as what they give me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but I love them a lot more when they get me an iPod for Chanukah. Grandma was awesome, though. When I came out she practically wet herself with excitement. Turns out she was a big time hag back when people didn’t have TVs and condoms. According to her, everybody fucked everybody because there was nothing else to do. You just didn’t talk about it because your private life was private, and then she went into this rant about how the government has too much control over us and totalitarian this, Big Brother that. I stopped paying attention because she’s old and her voice gets unpleasant after a while. But she was the only one who fully supported me when I came out…I wonder if Brian’s family knows?
“Well, your aunt died. She was your mom’s sister. It seems likely that you’d want to,” cough, “pay your last respects.”
“I have no respects left to pay that bitch.”
“Well, at least you can get some,” cough, “closure.”
“I guess. Say, would it be wrong to just lift one foot, let’s say the left, and just,” cough, “stomp her face in. It’s just one foot, you know? And it’s all in the effort for,” cough, cough, “closure.”
“I wouldn’t have a problem with it, it’s not like she can feel it.”
“Exactly!”
“But I can’t vouch for the others in your family. They might take offense, but if everyone’s drunk, who knows? Could be the start of something, a tradition, a nom de guerre some might say.”
“Obviously only those who don’t know what ‘nom de guerre’ actually means.”
“Baby you’re just,” cough, “splitting hairs. Just chill out. It won’t be that bad.”
“I think you’re wrong. I think this is going to be the worst day of my life and I’m none too happy about that. I was having such a good month, too.” Cough, cough. “I got a raise at my job.”
“Yay!”
“I found a quarter in the middle of the street.”
“Wow, really? Not just a really big nickel?”
“That’s what I thought at first, but no. It was an actual quarter.”
“Yay!”
“And my aunt died and that really brightened up last week.”
“Yay!”
“But this FUCKING funeral! Can’t we just turn around?”
“You’re still driving--25.”
“I’m not speeding up.”
“But how do you think this looks? I mean you ARE black.”
“What? Oh, yeah. I always forget that. Well, it’s time for you to take over anyway.”
“All right, fine. But I’m flooring it all the way. Scoot over.”
“Can I pull over first?”
“Fuck that. I’ll grab the wheel, you keep your foot on the gas and we’ll just switch places. It’ll be fun.”
“That’s dumb.”
“You’re face is dumb.”
“Good comeback.” Eventually, though, he wore me down. He always does and I usually regret it. This time was no exception.
“I still think we should turn around for that joint.”
He looked at me with that look. That look that meant, ‘I’m not in the mood to fucking joke with you, Toto, so just shut up.’ I’m not going to lie, that look kinda turns me on. It’s full of so much anger and passion…when he gets mad—not that I intentionally make him mad, but I don’t usually feel that bad about it. In hindsight, however, it might have been better if we hadn’t decided—okay, if I hadn’t decided—to switch seats while passing by a state trooper. I honestly didn’t see him, but I was still holding the spliff in my left hand and Bri just ripped it out of my hand and threw it to the side of the road. I really didn’t mind, but there was at least a few puffs left in that thing. But whatever. I wasn’t even that serious.
He’s on edge, understandably. He doesn’t want to go to this funeral but of course he is. He won’t admit to himself that he still has feelings for his family, if not necessarily love, he has a history with them. It’s harder for me to understand because I’ve always been pretty close with my family. They’re totally cool with me being gay. Well, at least that’s what they say. But it doesn’t matter what they think so much as what they give me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but I love them a lot more when they get me an iPod for Chanukah. Grandma was awesome, though. When I came out she practically wet herself with excitement. Turns out she was a big time hag back when people didn’t have TVs and condoms. According to her, everybody fucked everybody because there was nothing else to do. You just didn’t talk about it because your private life was private, and then she went into this rant about how the government has too much control over us and totalitarian this, Big Brother that. I stopped paying attention because she’s old and her voice gets unpleasant after a while. But she was the only one who fully supported me when I came out…I wonder if Brian’s family knows?
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Short Story: "It Fits, But You Can't Make It Work", Part 1
April, but it’s unseasonably cool. Or maybe it’s supposed to be this cool and it’s just been unseasonably warm for the past few years. Maybe it’s not seasonable at all. Is 50 degrees even considered ‘cool’ anymore? The sky must be punishing us for past transgressions, hiding the sun behind those thick corpulent clouds. But at least the flowers are beginning to bloom. That’s one good thing I can say about Sacton, spring is always beautiful up here. I’d have to dig deep in order to find anything else, though.
The roads are still that pristine dark black from the earlier rainstorm. They look so disgusting when they’re gray, especially if it’s accented by the corpse of an overzealous rabbit. The last time I came up here, about three years ago, this road was littered with dead bodies, as if I was driving through some petting zoo Jonestown. I should have turned back when I saw that first deer on the side of the road. It was a fawn, with a white tail and little white specks on it’s back. I had to pull over the car and just…be for a moment. Just absorb it. Then I saw his mother come out from the sparse woods, nudging her baby and it was the saddest thing I’d seen up til then. Being only nineteen, I hadn’t seen very much. But I should have turned back. I don’t think I know why I didn’t.
Topher’s with me this time. My little Toto. Ever since that last trip I refused to come up here ever again, but things inevitably change. I didn’t want to go alone and I was kind of surprised when Toto offered to come along with me, something about wanting to meet my family and all that. To be clear, I never wanted to meet his family. Nor do I ever want to. I find that they have a clan mentality. Not all families, just the ones I’ve encountered. They accept you initially as a guest and let you begin to feel like you’re one of them. But sooner or later you realize that you’re NOT one of them, you’re just another outsider. A withered brown leaf on their geneaological tree, destined to fall off and float away. But more power to Toto.
“Do you think you can take over soon?” I asked. I’ve always hated driving, unless you have nowhere to go. Driving aimlessly is akin to meditation for me. The road wraps itself around my mind and we disappear together. When you get lost, you’re not really lost at all because you’re not trying to find a specific location. You’re just discovering the world around you. As soon as you introduce a map, that’s when I lose all interest.
“Yeah, give me like five minutes.” I look over at my co-pilot, Toto, rolling a joint between his long nimble fingers. He said he used to play the piano, but when I asked him to teach me he refused. So I think that piano was just code for accordion.
“You do realize this is a rental?”
“It’ll be okay. We’ll just roll the windows down. Or,” dipping his bushy, curly hair into his book bag and re-emerging shortly with a thick glass bottle the size of Pepto Bismol, “we could hotbox and just spray it down with a little Coolwater.”
I considered for a minute then rolled up my window. If it had been Polo, I might have answered differently.
“We should probably pick up some Febreeze or something on the way. It’s impossible to get weed stench out of fabric.”
Toto looked at me, grinning, with the lit paper clenched between his yellowing teeth, his eyes obscured by the canopy of hair on his head. “That’s why I don’t bother to wash my clothes anymore.”
“Well, thank god one of us does.”
The roads are still that pristine dark black from the earlier rainstorm. They look so disgusting when they’re gray, especially if it’s accented by the corpse of an overzealous rabbit. The last time I came up here, about three years ago, this road was littered with dead bodies, as if I was driving through some petting zoo Jonestown. I should have turned back when I saw that first deer on the side of the road. It was a fawn, with a white tail and little white specks on it’s back. I had to pull over the car and just…be for a moment. Just absorb it. Then I saw his mother come out from the sparse woods, nudging her baby and it was the saddest thing I’d seen up til then. Being only nineteen, I hadn’t seen very much. But I should have turned back. I don’t think I know why I didn’t.
Topher’s with me this time. My little Toto. Ever since that last trip I refused to come up here ever again, but things inevitably change. I didn’t want to go alone and I was kind of surprised when Toto offered to come along with me, something about wanting to meet my family and all that. To be clear, I never wanted to meet his family. Nor do I ever want to. I find that they have a clan mentality. Not all families, just the ones I’ve encountered. They accept you initially as a guest and let you begin to feel like you’re one of them. But sooner or later you realize that you’re NOT one of them, you’re just another outsider. A withered brown leaf on their geneaological tree, destined to fall off and float away. But more power to Toto.
“Do you think you can take over soon?” I asked. I’ve always hated driving, unless you have nowhere to go. Driving aimlessly is akin to meditation for me. The road wraps itself around my mind and we disappear together. When you get lost, you’re not really lost at all because you’re not trying to find a specific location. You’re just discovering the world around you. As soon as you introduce a map, that’s when I lose all interest.
“Yeah, give me like five minutes.” I look over at my co-pilot, Toto, rolling a joint between his long nimble fingers. He said he used to play the piano, but when I asked him to teach me he refused. So I think that piano was just code for accordion.
“You do realize this is a rental?”
“It’ll be okay. We’ll just roll the windows down. Or,” dipping his bushy, curly hair into his book bag and re-emerging shortly with a thick glass bottle the size of Pepto Bismol, “we could hotbox and just spray it down with a little Coolwater.”
I considered for a minute then rolled up my window. If it had been Polo, I might have answered differently.
“We should probably pick up some Febreeze or something on the way. It’s impossible to get weed stench out of fabric.”
Toto looked at me, grinning, with the lit paper clenched between his yellowing teeth, his eyes obscured by the canopy of hair on his head. “That’s why I don’t bother to wash my clothes anymore.”
“Well, thank god one of us does.”
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Monday, May 08, 2006
I Need You...to Hold Me, to Scold Me, Cuz When I'm Bad, Mmmm, I'm Oh So Bad: 1-5
So I had a dance-related injury on Friday night. I had to serve someone in an impromptu dance-off and as a result my left leg is a little tight. But alas, that is the spirit of disco: drunk and high, dancing your knees off til the early morning hours. It's good to know that some values never die, huh? So without further adue, let's get on with this list:
1. Cheryl Lynn - "Got to Be Real" (Cheryl Lynn, 1978)
"What you thiiiiiiiiink-uh? What you feeeeeeeeeeeeeel, now? What you knooooooow-a? To be REAL! It's got to be REAL!" It all starts with those walls of Jericho-shattering horn stabs and you know that your rump will not stop bumping for the next 3 and 1/2, or 5 minutes, depending on which version you get. I suggest the shorter as you get to hear Cheryl "soo-hoo"-ing all over the place in the middle. It sets the bar deliriously high in the beginning and it keeps it floating and spinning til the very last drum kick. Perfect song? Perhaps. Best song ever? Well, having heard every song that ever was at least 5 times, I can safely say that it obviously is. And anyone who says different is a heathen. A disco-hating heathen.
2. The Emotions - "Best of My Love" (Rejoice, 1977)
Oh, The Emotions. Oh, you. You and your infectious joy. Little angels. Taking it from the church straight into la discoteque. Jesus, get off that cross right now and show us that six pack! Mmm, our Father who art in heaven, indeed. "Best of My Love" really is just a gospel song, dipped in shimmer, washed in fabulous and left out to dry on a gold lame clothing line. Sure, some may find that a bit sacreligious, but honestly the Puritans never knew how to let their hair down.
3. LaBelle - "Lady Marmalade" (Nightbirds, 1974)
That beat just walks all over you in its silver 6-inch spiked cha cha heels, don't it? It grabs you, screws you and never lets you go. At night, I can still hear it calling me in the middle of the night: more, more, MORE! Gitchy, gitchy ya ya da da da. Gitchy, gitchy, ya, ya hey. Mocha, choca lata ya ya, Creole Lady Marmalade! Ooh, ah. Little sticky here. Wow, napkin, someone?The connection between disco and sex was never clearer and this funk masterpiece laid the sultry roots for all other disco cuts to come. Oh, and do yourself a favor and pick up Nightbirds. Patti, Nona Hendryx and Sarah Dash soaring through glam, soul, funk and disco. You're welcome.
4. Anita Ward - "Ring My Bell" (Songs of Love, 1979)
If you're listening to this song for the first time, it will most likely come off a bit strange. First of all, it doesn't hit you over the head with a propulsive beat, nor will it ever. The real charm in this song is in its seductiveness. Anita is talking to you like she has a dick in one side of her mouth and a ball gag in the other. Things are going to get hard, sweaty and little illegal in 49 states in no uncertain terms. Ring a ding ding ding, baby.
5. Vickie Sue Robinson - "Turn the Beat Around" (Never Gonna Let You Go, 1976)
What can I possibly say? That percussion section. Vickie Sue's inspired performance. It's like someone kicked you in the head with badassness and left you to drown in your own blood, only to hallucinate that you were living inside Jesus' own personal marching band. Gloria Estefan tried to cover this song, but she pales miserably in comparison to the original. That and she's Cuban so it's innately inferior.
1. Cheryl Lynn - "Got to Be Real" (Cheryl Lynn, 1978)
"What you thiiiiiiiiink-uh? What you feeeeeeeeeeeeeel, now? What you knooooooow-a? To be REAL! It's got to be REAL!" It all starts with those walls of Jericho-shattering horn stabs and you know that your rump will not stop bumping for the next 3 and 1/2, or 5 minutes, depending on which version you get. I suggest the shorter as you get to hear Cheryl "soo-hoo"-ing all over the place in the middle. It sets the bar deliriously high in the beginning and it keeps it floating and spinning til the very last drum kick. Perfect song? Perhaps. Best song ever? Well, having heard every song that ever was at least 5 times, I can safely say that it obviously is. And anyone who says different is a heathen. A disco-hating heathen.
2. The Emotions - "Best of My Love" (Rejoice, 1977)
Oh, The Emotions. Oh, you. You and your infectious joy. Little angels. Taking it from the church straight into la discoteque. Jesus, get off that cross right now and show us that six pack! Mmm, our Father who art in heaven, indeed. "Best of My Love" really is just a gospel song, dipped in shimmer, washed in fabulous and left out to dry on a gold lame clothing line. Sure, some may find that a bit sacreligious, but honestly the Puritans never knew how to let their hair down.
3. LaBelle - "Lady Marmalade" (Nightbirds, 1974)
That beat just walks all over you in its silver 6-inch spiked cha cha heels, don't it? It grabs you, screws you and never lets you go. At night, I can still hear it calling me in the middle of the night: more, more, MORE! Gitchy, gitchy ya ya da da da. Gitchy, gitchy, ya, ya hey. Mocha, choca lata ya ya, Creole Lady Marmalade! Ooh, ah. Little sticky here. Wow, napkin, someone?The connection between disco and sex was never clearer and this funk masterpiece laid the sultry roots for all other disco cuts to come. Oh, and do yourself a favor and pick up Nightbirds. Patti, Nona Hendryx and Sarah Dash soaring through glam, soul, funk and disco. You're welcome.
4. Anita Ward - "Ring My Bell" (Songs of Love, 1979)
If you're listening to this song for the first time, it will most likely come off a bit strange. First of all, it doesn't hit you over the head with a propulsive beat, nor will it ever. The real charm in this song is in its seductiveness. Anita is talking to you like she has a dick in one side of her mouth and a ball gag in the other. Things are going to get hard, sweaty and little illegal in 49 states in no uncertain terms. Ring a ding ding ding, baby.
5. Vickie Sue Robinson - "Turn the Beat Around" (Never Gonna Let You Go, 1976)
What can I possibly say? That percussion section. Vickie Sue's inspired performance. It's like someone kicked you in the head with badassness and left you to drown in your own blood, only to hallucinate that you were living inside Jesus' own personal marching band. Gloria Estefan tried to cover this song, but she pales miserably in comparison to the original. That and she's Cuban so it's innately inferior.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
No Blacks, No Jews and No Ga-hays!: 6-10
6. ABBA - Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)(ABBA: Gold, 1994)
I never knew ABBA could be so suggestive. Or aggressive. I really thought that the Nordic folk never had sex, but produced offspring through a rather complex, rhythmic dance to generic pop music passed down over the generations. But ABBA proved me wrong, as they often do. The ladies and gentle-Swedes of the world's favorite reclusive supergroup command you to drop trou and start stepping along with the beat. Thanks Madge (and Jimmy) for introducing us.
7. Thelma Houston - "Don't Leave Me This Way" (Any Way You Like It, 1976)
Some people want you to beg for them. They feel that they're just so impossibly stupendous that one must genuflect in their presence. But not Thelma Houston. Sure, she plays that game for a minute then the beat kicks in and shit is on. Disco kick! Ugh! Yell in that fucker's face and let him know that this puss is Grade A. Bravo, Ms. Houston.
8. Machine - "There But for the Grace if God Go I" (Machine, 1979)
Wow, a disco song about actual social issues. But when you set that scene against one of the most insane tracks, like, ever, suddenly social commentary can do the hustle just like everyone else. And blow in the bathroom like everyone else, too.
9. Chic - "I Want Your Love" (C'est Chic, 1978)
Sheer beauty. Just listen to those bells. Though it doesn't have the life-saving bassline of "Le Freak," it don't need it. That feathery vocal, the pounding bells and those sweet strings all volleying off one another, it makes you want to fall in love with the next stranger that looks at ya. Well, hello there. Sure, you're balding, fat and probably have a baby meekrat's penis, but "I Want Your Love." Mmmm, funk.
10. The Whispers - "And the Beat Goes On" (The Whispers, 1980)
Way before Will Smith sampled it for his PG-rated ode to "Miami," the Whispers funked all over the place with this. Turn it on, turn it up and try not to bop your head along to their groove. I dare you, bitch.
I never knew ABBA could be so suggestive. Or aggressive. I really thought that the Nordic folk never had sex, but produced offspring through a rather complex, rhythmic dance to generic pop music passed down over the generations. But ABBA proved me wrong, as they often do. The ladies and gentle-Swedes of the world's favorite reclusive supergroup command you to drop trou and start stepping along with the beat. Thanks Madge (and Jimmy) for introducing us.
7. Thelma Houston - "Don't Leave Me This Way" (Any Way You Like It, 1976)
Some people want you to beg for them. They feel that they're just so impossibly stupendous that one must genuflect in their presence. But not Thelma Houston. Sure, she plays that game for a minute then the beat kicks in and shit is on. Disco kick! Ugh! Yell in that fucker's face and let him know that this puss is Grade A. Bravo, Ms. Houston.
8. Machine - "There But for the Grace if God Go I" (Machine, 1979)
Wow, a disco song about actual social issues. But when you set that scene against one of the most insane tracks, like, ever, suddenly social commentary can do the hustle just like everyone else. And blow in the bathroom like everyone else, too.
9. Chic - "I Want Your Love" (C'est Chic, 1978)
Sheer beauty. Just listen to those bells. Though it doesn't have the life-saving bassline of "Le Freak," it don't need it. That feathery vocal, the pounding bells and those sweet strings all volleying off one another, it makes you want to fall in love with the next stranger that looks at ya. Well, hello there. Sure, you're balding, fat and probably have a baby meekrat's penis, but "I Want Your Love." Mmmm, funk.
10. The Whispers - "And the Beat Goes On" (The Whispers, 1980)
Way before Will Smith sampled it for his PG-rated ode to "Miami," the Whispers funked all over the place with this. Turn it on, turn it up and try not to bop your head along to their groove. I dare you, bitch.
You Can Dance and You Can Die: 11-15
11. Blondie - "Heart of Glass" (Parallel Lines, 1978)
God Debbie Harry was one fine piece of ass back in the day. Hell, I'd probably still do her now, but only if she were whispering the lyrics to this song in my ear. No disco diva, this song managed to meld the worlds of disco, new wave and punk together long enough to realize that they couldn't stand each other. Then punk kicked disco in the nuts, new wave spit in its face and disco limped back to it's glitter ball.
12. Yvonne Elliman - "If I Can't Have You" (Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack, 1977)
"Saturday Night Fever", huh, kids? One of the touchstones of a generation yet it also sparked a massive backlash against disco. The boogie balloon got so big that it had to burst it's sequined insides at some point. But before it did, it gave us this Bee Gees-penned classic sung by Yvonne Elliman.
13. Earth, Wind & Fire Featuring The Emotions - "Boogie Wonderland" (I Am, 1979)
What is Boogie Wonderland? Why, the place where funk and disco meet, have slimy, unprotected sex and produce beautiful, afro-haired babies with the innate ability to boogie down, of course.
14. ABBA - "Voulez-Vous" (Voulez-Vous, 1979)
No offense to "Dancing Queen" but I simply can't resist the triumphant "a-ha!s" in the background. It's like those crazy Swedes are proclaiming their own awesomeness. Can we rock? A-ha! Can we make you dance? A-ha! Voulez-vous? A-ha!
15. Diana Ross - "Upside Down" (diana, 1980)
How can you possibly lose? Diana Ross + Chic's Nile Rodgers and Bernard Edwards = Disco Gold. Come on everybody, let's all chant it together: Upside down you're turning me/ You're giving love instinctively/ Round and round you're turning me/ I say to thee/ Respectfully!"
God Debbie Harry was one fine piece of ass back in the day. Hell, I'd probably still do her now, but only if she were whispering the lyrics to this song in my ear. No disco diva, this song managed to meld the worlds of disco, new wave and punk together long enough to realize that they couldn't stand each other. Then punk kicked disco in the nuts, new wave spit in its face and disco limped back to it's glitter ball.
12. Yvonne Elliman - "If I Can't Have You" (Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack, 1977)
"Saturday Night Fever", huh, kids? One of the touchstones of a generation yet it also sparked a massive backlash against disco. The boogie balloon got so big that it had to burst it's sequined insides at some point. But before it did, it gave us this Bee Gees-penned classic sung by Yvonne Elliman.
13. Earth, Wind & Fire Featuring The Emotions - "Boogie Wonderland" (I Am, 1979)
What is Boogie Wonderland? Why, the place where funk and disco meet, have slimy, unprotected sex and produce beautiful, afro-haired babies with the innate ability to boogie down, of course.
14. ABBA - "Voulez-Vous" (Voulez-Vous, 1979)
No offense to "Dancing Queen" but I simply can't resist the triumphant "a-ha!s" in the background. It's like those crazy Swedes are proclaiming their own awesomeness. Can we rock? A-ha! Can we make you dance? A-ha! Voulez-vous? A-ha!
15. Diana Ross - "Upside Down" (diana, 1980)
How can you possibly lose? Diana Ross + Chic's Nile Rodgers and Bernard Edwards = Disco Gold. Come on everybody, let's all chant it together: Upside down you're turning me/ You're giving love instinctively/ Round and round you're turning me/ I say to thee/ Respectfully!"
Toot Toot, Heeeeeyyy, Beep Beep: 16-20
16. Evelyn "Champagne" King - "Shame" (Smooth Talk, 1977)
Champagne was only 16 when she recorded this song, not like you could tell. Her best song, "Shame" is a bitch slap on wax. "SHAME! Burning, you keep my whole body yearning." But it's also a call to love--sweet sweet disco love--as "Wrapped in your arms is where I want to be."
17. Donna Summer - "Bad Girls" (Bad Girls, 1979)
Donna really hit a one-two punch with this track and "Hot Stuff" in '79. But for my money, "Bad Girls" takes the cake. When I walk down the street, I secrelty chant "toot toot, heeeyyy beep beep" with each step, all the while pretending I'm on the prowl for my next meal ticket. It's good to be a bad girl.
18. The Andrea True Connection - "More, More, More" (More, More, More, 1976)
A porn star doing disco, it all seems so appropos. It's the 70s, let's all fuck and dance and then record ourselves fucking and dancing. But when the song is this good, you could kill Sudanese orphans in the recording process and I wouldn't care...too soon?
19. First Choice - "Let No Man Put Asunder"/ "Dr. Love"(Delusions, 1977)
I really love when god and disco meet. I once saw god blowing Mikhail Baryshnikov at 54 and he looked fffaaaaaaattt. Then Dr. Love came over and started playing with god's balls and it got a little weird. But how could the big guy resist with First Choice beckoning him to the dance floor?
20. Donna Summer - "Hot Stuff" (Bad Girls, 1979)
"Gotta have some hot stuff, gotta have some love tonight!" Woo, turn the cameras off, Donna. There might not be 12 minutes of moaning, but this is arguably her sexiest and sassiest song.
Champagne was only 16 when she recorded this song, not like you could tell. Her best song, "Shame" is a bitch slap on wax. "SHAME! Burning, you keep my whole body yearning." But it's also a call to love--sweet sweet disco love--as "Wrapped in your arms is where I want to be."
17. Donna Summer - "Bad Girls" (Bad Girls, 1979)
Donna really hit a one-two punch with this track and "Hot Stuff" in '79. But for my money, "Bad Girls" takes the cake. When I walk down the street, I secrelty chant "toot toot, heeeyyy beep beep" with each step, all the while pretending I'm on the prowl for my next meal ticket. It's good to be a bad girl.
18. The Andrea True Connection - "More, More, More" (More, More, More, 1976)
A porn star doing disco, it all seems so appropos. It's the 70s, let's all fuck and dance and then record ourselves fucking and dancing. But when the song is this good, you could kill Sudanese orphans in the recording process and I wouldn't care...too soon?
19. First Choice - "Let No Man Put Asunder"/ "Dr. Love"(Delusions, 1977)
I really love when god and disco meet. I once saw god blowing Mikhail Baryshnikov at 54 and he looked fffaaaaaaattt. Then Dr. Love came over and started playing with god's balls and it got a little weird. But how could the big guy resist with First Choice beckoning him to the dance floor?
20. Donna Summer - "Hot Stuff" (Bad Girls, 1979)
"Gotta have some hot stuff, gotta have some love tonight!" Woo, turn the cameras off, Donna. There might not be 12 minutes of moaning, but this is arguably her sexiest and sassiest song.
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Some Disco After Midnight!: 21-25
I don't know if it's the return of spandex and feathered hair a la Madonna, or the fact that I just need to dance but I am in love with disco right now. Well, honestly, I'm always in love with disco, and not ironically. Yes, it's cheesy, but once you get over that you realize just how awesome some of these songs are. Just close your eyes, crank up some Donna Summer's "I Feel Love" in your headphones and try not to feel transcendent. Thus I decided on the long walk to work that I would rank my favorite disco gems, 25-1. Strap on your rollerskates, wipe off the mirror and pull Liza's number out of your rolodex cuz it's time to go to Funkytown, population: funk.
21.Diana Ross- "Love Hangover" (Diana Ross, 1976)
If there's a cure for this, I don't want it, don't want it," Ms. Ross coos before the song inevitably crescendoes into an orgy of beats and moans and one of her best singles/biggest hits. You can just see the disco ball, can't you?
22.Evelyn "Champagne" King - "Love Come Down" (Get Loose, 1982)
And Evelyn, you make my love come down my leg. Pass me a wet nap.
23. Carl Carlton - "Everlasting Love" (Everlasting Love, 1974)
Why, hello, Mr. Carlton. One of the most joyous songs ever recorded, it's all over in two and a half minutes and you don't even know what hit you.
24. Sylvester - "You Make Me Feel Mighty Real" (Mighty Real, 1980)
Fuck the Bee Gees, this is how you do falsetto, kids.
25. Silver Connection - "Fly, Robin, Fly" (Save Me, 1975)
"Fly, Robin, fly! Up, up to the sky!" No other lyrics, but with that bassline and those strings you really don't need anything else.
21.Diana Ross- "Love Hangover" (Diana Ross, 1976)
If there's a cure for this, I don't want it, don't want it," Ms. Ross coos before the song inevitably crescendoes into an orgy of beats and moans and one of her best singles/biggest hits. You can just see the disco ball, can't you?
22.Evelyn "Champagne" King - "Love Come Down" (Get Loose, 1982)
And Evelyn, you make my love come down my leg. Pass me a wet nap.
23. Carl Carlton - "Everlasting Love" (Everlasting Love, 1974)
Why, hello, Mr. Carlton. One of the most joyous songs ever recorded, it's all over in two and a half minutes and you don't even know what hit you.
24. Sylvester - "You Make Me Feel Mighty Real" (Mighty Real, 1980)
Fuck the Bee Gees, this is how you do falsetto, kids.
25. Silver Connection - "Fly, Robin, Fly" (Save Me, 1975)
"Fly, Robin, fly! Up, up to the sky!" No other lyrics, but with that bassline and those strings you really don't need anything else.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Gay Robots, Tran-droids and Dykey Automatons
Oh, Nick Swardson. I love you so much, and you won't even give me the time of day. We'll see, fucker. We'll see.
www.myspace.com/gayrobot
So, uh, I think I'm in love with that. Nick Swardson does the voice and I believe Adam Sandler's producing or throwing money at rich Jews in cheap suits. Same thing, really. And it's going to be on Comedy Central. God, I can't wait to get stoned, vege out, and fall asleep watching it!...My life is so empty. But I guess that's why it floats. Rimshot!
Barry, when I say rimshot, I mean rimshot not suck down a bottle of $5 vodka behind the drum kit like no one can see you. Fuck you!
And scene.
www.myspace.com/gayrobot
So, uh, I think I'm in love with that. Nick Swardson does the voice and I believe Adam Sandler's producing or throwing money at rich Jews in cheap suits. Same thing, really. And it's going to be on Comedy Central. God, I can't wait to get stoned, vege out, and fall asleep watching it!...My life is so empty. But I guess that's why it floats. Rimshot!
Barry, when I say rimshot, I mean rimshot not suck down a bottle of $5 vodka behind the drum kit like no one can see you. Fuck you!
And scene.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Erotic, Erotic - - Put Your Hands All Over My Body...
I love the warmth. The warmth of spring. The warmth of a mother's love. The warmth of a bulging man rock in my mouth as I massage it up and down with my cocksure tongue. Almost choking a bit. But I'm a pro, I haven't thrown up unvolunteerily in over 2 years.
The day started off as any other. I blindly threw my alarm clock across the room, hitting Kitten Kiboodle, the maid, in the temple. Amid cries of "Oh, I can't see anything!" and "Sir, could you please call the doctor," I somehow managed to put together an outfit for the day. Stepping over her limp body, I ordered Kitty to run the bath, iron the clothes I had set out and prepare breakfast. Those bumps were particularly well cut today and I let Kitty know, but she simply nodded her ursine head and skulked back to her business, clutching the ice pack my tennis/swimming/gymnastics/aerobics instructor, Poli, had provided her with.
Mysteriously feeling a bit lackluster about 15 minutes or so after breakfast, I decided to take a nap. However, Poli had other ideas as I woke up with his magnificent, steely left pec jammed uvula deep in my mouth. It was time for swimming.
Poli was something of a conundrum to me. A six-foot, three bronze god built only of rippling muscle and baby lotion, he was about as smart as a three year old child but hung like a thirty year old porn star. I loved him like one man can only love another man, but his presence infuriated me to no end. He was always running around, sticking things where they didn't belong and due to the extreme size of most of those things, a professional oft had to be called to the house. And how I disdain people! But standing by the Super Olypmic-sized pool, dripping from every square inch of his body with chlorine, bursting through that tiny little black speedo, grinning broadly as if it were his last day in rehab, I felt nothing but love. And a huge erection in my pants. Thus swimming lessons were pre-empted for the moment.
Next: "I Once Caught A Fish THIS Big..."
The day started off as any other. I blindly threw my alarm clock across the room, hitting Kitten Kiboodle, the maid, in the temple. Amid cries of "Oh, I can't see anything!" and "Sir, could you please call the doctor," I somehow managed to put together an outfit for the day. Stepping over her limp body, I ordered Kitty to run the bath, iron the clothes I had set out and prepare breakfast. Those bumps were particularly well cut today and I let Kitty know, but she simply nodded her ursine head and skulked back to her business, clutching the ice pack my tennis/swimming/gymnastics/aerobics instructor, Poli, had provided her with.
Mysteriously feeling a bit lackluster about 15 minutes or so after breakfast, I decided to take a nap. However, Poli had other ideas as I woke up with his magnificent, steely left pec jammed uvula deep in my mouth. It was time for swimming.
Poli was something of a conundrum to me. A six-foot, three bronze god built only of rippling muscle and baby lotion, he was about as smart as a three year old child but hung like a thirty year old porn star. I loved him like one man can only love another man, but his presence infuriated me to no end. He was always running around, sticking things where they didn't belong and due to the extreme size of most of those things, a professional oft had to be called to the house. And how I disdain people! But standing by the Super Olypmic-sized pool, dripping from every square inch of his body with chlorine, bursting through that tiny little black speedo, grinning broadly as if it were his last day in rehab, I felt nothing but love. And a huge erection in my pants. Thus swimming lessons were pre-empted for the moment.
Next: "I Once Caught A Fish THIS Big..."
I'm Seriously Going to Start Begging Strangers on the Street to Have Sex With Me
"C'mon, please! I'm already on my knees here!"
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Dear Hinda
The following is a letter a friend of mine found while rummaging through a random public computer at school. Being the avid supporters of schadenfreude that we are, she kindly passed this onto me.
Now, it's not the fact that this guy is trying to get into the pants of some girl on the other side of the country that's embarassing. It's also not the fact that he says such touching things like: "...besides making me want to pimp ho’s and carjack somebody, you bring out some other excellent qualities in me...." Or that he extols such wisdom as: "Everyone I meet teaches me something. Some people teach me how to do things, some people teach me how not to do things."
It is the level of commitmment he puts into it. In order to write something this schmaltzy, this cheesy and this grammatically incorrect, one must have no sense of self-awareness. Or, be head over anus in love. It's sickening, really. But you can just tell that this guy's heart is pinned roughly to his sleeve with a safety pin and gum, bleeding all over his Ecko sweatshirt. I hate to admit it, but I almost admire his ability to so thoroughly puss out in the span of one "like letter." If only I had a heart, eh?
Anygay, below is the letter in its entirety, bad punctuation and all. Read it and try not to jack off with your tears later tonight.
Dear Hinda,
forgive me for not calling to tell you this. I don’t think the
phone would give me all the time I need to say what I want to say, and
since I had such difficulty expressing myself the night before you
left, I figured I’d try a different approach here
But don’t be scared. There’s nothing in this letter that will
scare you. I will try to make it as funny as the one I left for you in
New York but there are only so many drawings I can make of your big hair
(insert drawing I love nytshirt).
Do you remember when I said I studied everything about you in a
couple of hours? I was being completely truthful. I have an eye for
detail and a spectacular memory. I always have. I remember exactly what
your hands look like, how your toes are just a little spaced apart from
one another so that they don’t quite touch, and I remember the precise
way you sat on the futon hugging your knees with your arms---you
reminded me of my sister then. I picked all that up in the first twenty
minutes!
What took me a little longer to notice about you was that you
are a complete woman. it was only as we were walking along the river
tossing the apple back and forth that I saw how everything about you
comes together. And I don’t pretend to know you that well, but I think
what I saw in you was real. Do you know what I mean? How do I say this
without sounding ridiculous? Well, being in your presence that
afternoon made me realize what it is like to be completely aware of
another person and at the same time forget about myself. It was a rare
and beautiful feeling. Maybe it was the AA meeting that gave us a
little high or maybe it was the sunshine…I don’t know and I don’t care.
All I know is that afternoon I felt like I really connected to you.
And that is the most amazing thing about life–interacting with
other human beings. Everyone I meet teaches me something. Some people
teach me how to do things, some people teach me how not to do things.
But everyone teaches me something.
From you I learned to live in the moment. Truthfully, it’s all
we have. Sometimes I look into the future and sometimes I look into the
past, and when I do either of those things I miss the absolute beauty
of the present. And yet the present is difficult because it demands
that I be honest. The past and the future allow me to create scenarios
that may not have happened or that may never happen. Living in the
moment does not allow this. And being honest is hard because
sometimes it’s the dream of the past or the dream of the future that I
really like to chase.
Of course you already know that you bring out the gangsta in
me. But I also want you to know that besides making me want to pimp
ho’s and carjack somebody, you bring out some other excellent qualities
in me as well. Basically, you’ve encouraged me to be a better
communicator, and I’ve decided to pay you back with some truly honest
words.
And that’s why I’m writing. I’d love to come to san diego to
see you but I can’t come out if you are in a relationship. You might be
saying, “Who invited Christian to San Diego anyway?” I did. I invited
myself. And as much as I’d love to see you I don’t think it would be
healthy for either or us if I came out there while you were dating
someone. I don’t say that because I want something physical to happen.
I have plenty of bitches here in NY for that. I say that because I like
you. There. You heard it. Hinda N----, I like you.
Now don’t get teary-eyed. this is not a love letter. This is
a “like” letter. The “like” letter always comes before the love letter.
And sometimes after the love letter comes the hate letter, but not all
the time–thankfully. So stop laughing already, I’m trying to be serious
here!
Now I don’t dare look too far into the future. You’ll have to
use my big bald head for that. But if I take a little peek into the
past I see that we had a lot of fun and all I want is to try and do it
again. You know my motto: Let’s do it. Well, I have another one: Let’s
do it again.
So I don’t know what you’re going to think of all this but I
had such a great time with you here in New York that I would regret not
telling you, or worse, not telling you that I want to see you again.
Life is short, we have to take risks. Being honest with you is risky
but it’s a chance I’m willing to take.
Like I said before, I have no idea what the future holds but
it’s not in my nature to sit back and wait to find out. Everything I
ever wanted out of life I had to go out there and get. Beuatiful women
don’t just come knocking on my door. Well, not all the time. Sometimes
they get the key from the cleaners and let themselves in.
I know we joked about me not making a move….well, now I’ve made
one.
Write back.
Oh, I'm totally going to.
Now, it's not the fact that this guy is trying to get into the pants of some girl on the other side of the country that's embarassing. It's also not the fact that he says such touching things like: "...besides making me want to pimp ho’s and carjack somebody, you bring out some other excellent qualities in me...." Or that he extols such wisdom as: "Everyone I meet teaches me something. Some people teach me how to do things, some people teach me how not to do things."
It is the level of commitmment he puts into it. In order to write something this schmaltzy, this cheesy and this grammatically incorrect, one must have no sense of self-awareness. Or, be head over anus in love. It's sickening, really. But you can just tell that this guy's heart is pinned roughly to his sleeve with a safety pin and gum, bleeding all over his Ecko sweatshirt. I hate to admit it, but I almost admire his ability to so thoroughly puss out in the span of one "like letter." If only I had a heart, eh?
Anygay, below is the letter in its entirety, bad punctuation and all. Read it and try not to jack off with your tears later tonight.
Dear Hinda,
forgive me for not calling to tell you this. I don’t think the
phone would give me all the time I need to say what I want to say, and
since I had such difficulty expressing myself the night before you
left, I figured I’d try a different approach here
But don’t be scared. There’s nothing in this letter that will
scare you. I will try to make it as funny as the one I left for you in
New York but there are only so many drawings I can make of your big hair
(insert drawing I love nytshirt).
Do you remember when I said I studied everything about you in a
couple of hours? I was being completely truthful. I have an eye for
detail and a spectacular memory. I always have. I remember exactly what
your hands look like, how your toes are just a little spaced apart from
one another so that they don’t quite touch, and I remember the precise
way you sat on the futon hugging your knees with your arms---you
reminded me of my sister then. I picked all that up in the first twenty
minutes!
What took me a little longer to notice about you was that you
are a complete woman. it was only as we were walking along the river
tossing the apple back and forth that I saw how everything about you
comes together. And I don’t pretend to know you that well, but I think
what I saw in you was real. Do you know what I mean? How do I say this
without sounding ridiculous? Well, being in your presence that
afternoon made me realize what it is like to be completely aware of
another person and at the same time forget about myself. It was a rare
and beautiful feeling. Maybe it was the AA meeting that gave us a
little high or maybe it was the sunshine…I don’t know and I don’t care.
All I know is that afternoon I felt like I really connected to you.
And that is the most amazing thing about life–interacting with
other human beings. Everyone I meet teaches me something. Some people
teach me how to do things, some people teach me how not to do things.
But everyone teaches me something.
From you I learned to live in the moment. Truthfully, it’s all
we have. Sometimes I look into the future and sometimes I look into the
past, and when I do either of those things I miss the absolute beauty
of the present. And yet the present is difficult because it demands
that I be honest. The past and the future allow me to create scenarios
that may not have happened or that may never happen. Living in the
moment does not allow this. And being honest is hard because
sometimes it’s the dream of the past or the dream of the future that I
really like to chase.
Of course you already know that you bring out the gangsta in
me. But I also want you to know that besides making me want to pimp
ho’s and carjack somebody, you bring out some other excellent qualities
in me as well. Basically, you’ve encouraged me to be a better
communicator, and I’ve decided to pay you back with some truly honest
words.
And that’s why I’m writing. I’d love to come to san diego to
see you but I can’t come out if you are in a relationship. You might be
saying, “Who invited Christian to San Diego anyway?” I did. I invited
myself. And as much as I’d love to see you I don’t think it would be
healthy for either or us if I came out there while you were dating
someone. I don’t say that because I want something physical to happen.
I have plenty of bitches here in NY for that. I say that because I like
you. There. You heard it. Hinda N----, I like you.
Now don’t get teary-eyed. this is not a love letter. This is
a “like” letter. The “like” letter always comes before the love letter.
And sometimes after the love letter comes the hate letter, but not all
the time–thankfully. So stop laughing already, I’m trying to be serious
here!
Now I don’t dare look too far into the future. You’ll have to
use my big bald head for that. But if I take a little peek into the
past I see that we had a lot of fun and all I want is to try and do it
again. You know my motto: Let’s do it. Well, I have another one: Let’s
do it again.
So I don’t know what you’re going to think of all this but I
had such a great time with you here in New York that I would regret not
telling you, or worse, not telling you that I want to see you again.
Life is short, we have to take risks. Being honest with you is risky
but it’s a chance I’m willing to take.
Like I said before, I have no idea what the future holds but
it’s not in my nature to sit back and wait to find out. Everything I
ever wanted out of life I had to go out there and get. Beuatiful women
don’t just come knocking on my door. Well, not all the time. Sometimes
they get the key from the cleaners and let themselves in.
I know we joked about me not making a move….well, now I’ve made
one.
Write back.
Oh, I'm totally going to.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Digging My Way Out of the Trenches
Life, as you all know, is riddled with peaks and valleys. The peaks can often get so high you forget how low you were, even if it was only a few days ago. Riding the gnarliest waves of success can leave you unprepared for wiping out in the cruel blue crush of...okay, I lost my way with this stupid surfing analogy. The point is, even when everything seems to be going right, it is best to remember that they can fall apart at any minute. How did I get here?
Conversely, when you're down for the count, what hope is left in your soul? When all you can see for miles are the footprints of your failure, there IS no path to success. Then suddenly....It's all very slow. The road evens out, elevates and next thing you know you're looking out at the world below you and opportunity flows, seemingly, from everywhere and nowhere all at once. How did I get here?
I won't go into details, as it is too early to tell, but for the first time in months (years? decades? fashion eras?) I feel as if things are looking up for me. A part of me is excited at the prospect of regaining my autonomy. If there's one thing I hate, it's depending on anyone for anything. Yet, another part of me is afraid that this is another false safety net and should I continue this high-wire act, there's nothing there to catch me. Wow, I'm really into these mataphors today. Still another, the more bombastic part of me, is ready to take whatever life hands me and run as far as these tremendous gams can take me. How did I get here?
I'm here because of stupid decisions, regrettable mistakes, fortunate mishaps and a dash of destiny. That's solved. The more important matter at hand is, where will I go from here? If I have learned from any of those decisions, et al , which I think I have, anywhere and everywhere. The world is so vast and I'm so young and ALL that good shit. Right now, I don't really care where I'm going, just as long as I have fun on the way.
HAPPY 420, KIDS!!!
Conversely, when you're down for the count, what hope is left in your soul? When all you can see for miles are the footprints of your failure, there IS no path to success. Then suddenly....It's all very slow. The road evens out, elevates and next thing you know you're looking out at the world below you and opportunity flows, seemingly, from everywhere and nowhere all at once. How did I get here?
I won't go into details, as it is too early to tell, but for the first time in months (years? decades? fashion eras?) I feel as if things are looking up for me. A part of me is excited at the prospect of regaining my autonomy. If there's one thing I hate, it's depending on anyone for anything. Yet, another part of me is afraid that this is another false safety net and should I continue this high-wire act, there's nothing there to catch me. Wow, I'm really into these mataphors today. Still another, the more bombastic part of me, is ready to take whatever life hands me and run as far as these tremendous gams can take me. How did I get here?
I'm here because of stupid decisions, regrettable mistakes, fortunate mishaps and a dash of destiny. That's solved. The more important matter at hand is, where will I go from here? If I have learned from any of those decisions, et al , which I think I have, anywhere and everywhere. The world is so vast and I'm so young and ALL that good shit. Right now, I don't really care where I'm going, just as long as I have fun on the way.
HAPPY 420, KIDS!!!
Friday, April 14, 2006
Raising the Gay Bar
Last night, my friend Drunkos and I went out gay barring. Much like gay clubbing, only with less dancing and fewer drugs. We sashayed in, as sashaying is our only means of transportation after a 60 oz bottle of sangria split between the two of us. And as we're both fragile mo's, we were considerably drunk as we sashayed into Phoenix last night.
Within like 5 minutes of us being there, Drunkos gets hit on by a cute-ish 32 year old skater-rocker guy, with one of those adorbale little chain belts for his wallet. They proceeded to talk/make out for the rest of the night and I, being the loser that I seem so intent on becoming, sat in a corner by myself, thumbing through an HX. I did get to read a sassy little interview with Pink, though. Who knew she did a track with the Indigo Girls for her latest album?
As I sat there in the corner, I reflected on my drunken state and the actual social situation I was in. A gathering of gay men, drinking and partaking in flimsy dialogues seems a simple enough situation. However, I could not bring myself to get past the superficialtity of it all. Once the skater man-boy came over and invited me to join the conversation, after Drunkos' unsuccesful attempt, he tried to spur me into action. Going so far as to call me "great-looking." I include that only because I like to read it and hear how it sounds in my head. He went on to say that, "We're all friends here. We all want the same thing."
And he was right. We're all guys. We're all gay or bi or queer in some fashion. So, what's the big deal?
For me, though, I do not see the few, broad similarities between us, but rather the few, albeit significant differences. For me, the queer world is still in black and white. There are the black gays and then there is everyone else. Whether this is a product of internallized racism or actual racist sentiment, I do not know. I rarely find myself attracted to other black gays, and thus I don't feel that anyone will be attracted to me, despite my "great-looking"ness. Then there is the fact that I am still not comfortable with myself or my sexuality. That epiphany of sorts came out, like most do, in an altered state of mind. If you just get lost in your thoughts sometimes, you can find yourself in some place you never expected or realized even existed. But when I can't even bring myself to accept myself for who I am, how can I possibly expect to find anyone to love me? Outside of just paying them, but who has escort money these days?
The differences aren't so important. I know that. I've learned that. Hell, I even teach that. But it's always hardest to take your own advice. Especially since I'm half in the bag most of the time, so how the hell would I know what I'm even talking about? Yet, I know that we are all humans, thus we all have some very important and fundamental needs in common. As in the need to love and be loved, and the need to be happy. So then I should just be able to pick my self-loathing black, gay ass up and start acknowledging our wonderful sameness, no? Fuck you. It's not that easy. But at least I realize what I need to do: Next time at a gay bar, I might just put down my free copy of HX, throw caution to the wind and actually crack a smile. If only at the absurdity of someone actually reading one of those cheap, greeting card-sized faux magazines in a dark, dank bar at 1 am on a Thursday night.
Within like 5 minutes of us being there, Drunkos gets hit on by a cute-ish 32 year old skater-rocker guy, with one of those adorbale little chain belts for his wallet. They proceeded to talk/make out for the rest of the night and I, being the loser that I seem so intent on becoming, sat in a corner by myself, thumbing through an HX. I did get to read a sassy little interview with Pink, though. Who knew she did a track with the Indigo Girls for her latest album?
As I sat there in the corner, I reflected on my drunken state and the actual social situation I was in. A gathering of gay men, drinking and partaking in flimsy dialogues seems a simple enough situation. However, I could not bring myself to get past the superficialtity of it all. Once the skater man-boy came over and invited me to join the conversation, after Drunkos' unsuccesful attempt, he tried to spur me into action. Going so far as to call me "great-looking." I include that only because I like to read it and hear how it sounds in my head. He went on to say that, "We're all friends here. We all want the same thing."
And he was right. We're all guys. We're all gay or bi or queer in some fashion. So, what's the big deal?
For me, though, I do not see the few, broad similarities between us, but rather the few, albeit significant differences. For me, the queer world is still in black and white. There are the black gays and then there is everyone else. Whether this is a product of internallized racism or actual racist sentiment, I do not know. I rarely find myself attracted to other black gays, and thus I don't feel that anyone will be attracted to me, despite my "great-looking"ness. Then there is the fact that I am still not comfortable with myself or my sexuality. That epiphany of sorts came out, like most do, in an altered state of mind. If you just get lost in your thoughts sometimes, you can find yourself in some place you never expected or realized even existed. But when I can't even bring myself to accept myself for who I am, how can I possibly expect to find anyone to love me? Outside of just paying them, but who has escort money these days?
The differences aren't so important. I know that. I've learned that. Hell, I even teach that. But it's always hardest to take your own advice. Especially since I'm half in the bag most of the time, so how the hell would I know what I'm even talking about? Yet, I know that we are all humans, thus we all have some very important and fundamental needs in common. As in the need to love and be loved, and the need to be happy. So then I should just be able to pick my self-loathing black, gay ass up and start acknowledging our wonderful sameness, no? Fuck you. It's not that easy. But at least I realize what I need to do: Next time at a gay bar, I might just put down my free copy of HX, throw caution to the wind and actually crack a smile. If only at the absurdity of someone actually reading one of those cheap, greeting card-sized faux magazines in a dark, dank bar at 1 am on a Thursday night.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
My Favorite Quote Today:
"Two equally racist men, one white, one black, who are habitual pot smokers, even though they hate each other, will still sit down and smoke a joint together without a second's hesitation if the situation arises; they may even invite the Mexican."
--Shoutwire
--Shoutwire
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
The Broke Stoner's Guide to Getting, Staying and Dying High
Hey Kids.
Being a 20 year old college dropout, times often get hard and the purse strings have to be pulled a little tight. So tight that you couldn't squeeze a dime out of your purse's pursed, virginal lips. Now is such a time.
So what is a pothead to do? Sure, one could simply not smoke and wait til one's situation improves...but that would make one a fucking quitter. Instead, here are a few suggestions and ideas to quench your THC thirst:
1. Resin D'etre
Get your bong, water pipe, bowl or whatever paraphanelia have you and let's begin. Resin is gold. Black gold. It's that nasty gunk left over in your piece after you've smoked. The fastidious might be tempted to clean it, but if you're poor like me, that's just dumb. If you scrape it out and let it dry, if it needs to, you can smoke that turdesque matter. Then it's like a "Golden Girls" clip show, where you re-experience all the different varieties of bud you've smoked and you get to see just how many priceless expressions of exhaustion Dorothy has for one of Rose's St. Olaff stories.
2. Roach Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn
I know this might be hard at first, but let's all put forward a good effort, hm? Now, when you're swimming in the universe's infinite beauty, just puffing away on that joint and/or blunt, you must resist the temptation to stick it in between your teeth and suck it drier than [insert dirty, preferbly racist, double entendre here]. Instead, tuck that roach away for a rainy day. When the time comes to use it, you can stick in a bowl or just finish off where you started days, weeks, possibly months before.
3. Us and Stem
There's a reason why marijuana has stems. Mostly it's because it's a plant and it needs to grow on something, but the other, more practical reason, is that you can smoke those tiny little green sticks. You just break them up and stuff them into a bowl, light up and then you'll notice a strange scent. It's weed, for sure, but it also has a bit of a lacquer bouquet to it. Like someone just finished shining yourshoes and now you're burning them three inches from your face. It's mildly unpleasant and will most likely leave a hole in your throat, but it gets the job done, Lambs. Well, not really. Smoking stems barely gets you high, but at least it staves off the chills of sobriety.
4. Frontin', Sucker MCs
If you have a special relationship with your dealer, you might be able to front a small amount of pot. I'd gladly pay you Tuesday, for a dime bag today, i.e. the Wimpy Rule. Be careful, though, as most dealers are shiesty little fuckers and before you know it, you'll be sucking him off in the alley way by your job in the middle of the day as a toothless bum jacks off to it, all for your daily fix.
Not that that's a bad thing. Hell, if I could give head for weed, I'd just walk around with knee pads and mouthwash. Then I could use my money to get some new kicks. Sweet.
That's all I can think of/feel like writing right now. If any of my (three) readers has any ideas, post those shits.
Being a 20 year old college dropout, times often get hard and the purse strings have to be pulled a little tight. So tight that you couldn't squeeze a dime out of your purse's pursed, virginal lips. Now is such a time.
So what is a pothead to do? Sure, one could simply not smoke and wait til one's situation improves...but that would make one a fucking quitter. Instead, here are a few suggestions and ideas to quench your THC thirst:
1. Resin D'etre
Get your bong, water pipe, bowl or whatever paraphanelia have you and let's begin. Resin is gold. Black gold. It's that nasty gunk left over in your piece after you've smoked. The fastidious might be tempted to clean it, but if you're poor like me, that's just dumb. If you scrape it out and let it dry, if it needs to, you can smoke that turdesque matter. Then it's like a "Golden Girls" clip show, where you re-experience all the different varieties of bud you've smoked and you get to see just how many priceless expressions of exhaustion Dorothy has for one of Rose's St. Olaff stories.
2. Roach Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn
I know this might be hard at first, but let's all put forward a good effort, hm? Now, when you're swimming in the universe's infinite beauty, just puffing away on that joint and/or blunt, you must resist the temptation to stick it in between your teeth and suck it drier than [insert dirty, preferbly racist, double entendre here]. Instead, tuck that roach away for a rainy day. When the time comes to use it, you can stick in a bowl or just finish off where you started days, weeks, possibly months before.
3. Us and Stem
There's a reason why marijuana has stems. Mostly it's because it's a plant and it needs to grow on something, but the other, more practical reason, is that you can smoke those tiny little green sticks. You just break them up and stuff them into a bowl, light up and then you'll notice a strange scent. It's weed, for sure, but it also has a bit of a lacquer bouquet to it. Like someone just finished shining yourshoes and now you're burning them three inches from your face. It's mildly unpleasant and will most likely leave a hole in your throat, but it gets the job done, Lambs. Well, not really. Smoking stems barely gets you high, but at least it staves off the chills of sobriety.
4. Frontin', Sucker MCs
If you have a special relationship with your dealer, you might be able to front a small amount of pot. I'd gladly pay you Tuesday, for a dime bag today, i.e. the Wimpy Rule. Be careful, though, as most dealers are shiesty little fuckers and before you know it, you'll be sucking him off in the alley way by your job in the middle of the day as a toothless bum jacks off to it, all for your daily fix.
Not that that's a bad thing. Hell, if I could give head for weed, I'd just walk around with knee pads and mouthwash. Then I could use my money to get some new kicks. Sweet.
That's all I can think of/feel like writing right now. If any of my (three) readers has any ideas, post those shits.
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