I Need You...to Hold Me, to Scold Me, Cuz When I'm Bad, Mmmm, I'm Oh So Bad: 1-5

So I had a dance-related injury on Friday night. I had to serve someone in an impromptu dance-off and as a result my left leg is a little tight. But alas, that is the spirit of disco: drunk and high, dancing your knees off til the early morning hours. It's good to know that some values never die, huh? So without further adue, let's get on with this list:

1. Cheryl Lynn - "Got to Be Real" (Cheryl Lynn, 1978)



"What you thiiiiiiiiink-uh? What you feeeeeeeeeeeeeel, now? What you knooooooow-a? To be REAL! It's got to be REAL!" It all starts with those walls of Jericho-shattering horn stabs and you know that your rump will not stop bumping for the next 3 and 1/2, or 5 minutes, depending on which version you get. I suggest the shorter as you get to hear Cheryl "soo-hoo"-ing all over the place in the middle. It sets the bar deliriously high in the beginning and it keeps it floating and spinning til the very last drum kick. Perfect song? Perhaps. Best song ever? Well, having heard every song that ever was at least 5 times, I can safely say that it obviously is. And anyone who says different is a heathen. A disco-hating heathen.

2. The Emotions - "Best of My Love" (Rejoice, 1977)



Oh, The Emotions. Oh, you. You and your infectious joy. Little angels. Taking it from the church straight into la discoteque. Jesus, get off that cross right now and show us that six pack! Mmm, our Father who art in heaven, indeed. "Best of My Love" really is just a gospel song, dipped in shimmer, washed in fabulous and left out to dry on a gold lame clothing line. Sure, some may find that a bit sacreligious, but honestly the Puritans never knew how to let their hair down.


3. LaBelle - "Lady Marmalade" (Nightbirds, 1974)




That beat just walks all over you in its silver 6-inch spiked cha cha heels, don't it? It grabs you, screws you and never lets you go. At night, I can still hear it calling me in the middle of the night: more, more, MORE! Gitchy, gitchy ya ya da da da. Gitchy, gitchy, ya, ya hey. Mocha, choca lata ya ya, Creole Lady Marmalade! Ooh, ah. Little sticky here. Wow, napkin, someone?The connection between disco and sex was never clearer and this funk masterpiece laid the sultry roots for all other disco cuts to come. Oh, and do yourself a favor and pick up Nightbirds. Patti, Nona Hendryx and Sarah Dash soaring through glam, soul, funk and disco. You're welcome.


4. Anita Ward - "Ring My Bell" (Songs of Love, 1979)



If you're listening to this song for the first time, it will most likely come off a bit strange. First of all, it doesn't hit you over the head with a propulsive beat, nor will it ever. The real charm in this song is in its seductiveness. Anita is talking to you like she has a dick in one side of her mouth and a ball gag in the other. Things are going to get hard, sweaty and little illegal in 49 states in no uncertain terms. Ring a ding ding ding, baby.

5. Vickie Sue Robinson - "Turn the Beat Around" (Never Gonna Let You Go, 1976)



What can I possibly say? That percussion section. Vickie Sue's inspired performance. It's like someone kicked you in the head with badassness and left you to drown in your own blood, only to hallucinate that you were living inside Jesus' own personal marching band. Gloria Estefan tried to cover this song, but she pales miserably in comparison to the original. That and she's Cuban so it's innately inferior.