Perry Donovan Does "Rehab"

INT. - NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

An empty stage with nothing but a stool, microphone and a spotlight.

PERRY DONOVAN, late 40s, in an ill-fitting tuxedo, clearly drunk, stumbles onto the stage to faint applause.

PERRY DONOVAN
Hey, hey, hi, hey, hi, sup. How are you? How are things? Great to be here...wherever here is.
(aside)
Maury where are we?
(agitated)
God, again? You’re fired as my manager.
(beat)
Yes, you can still be my lawyer but I’m going to need to see some sort of degree in the near future. (beat)
Yeah, the University of Phoenix Online is fine.

HECKLER (O.S.)
BOO!!

PERRY DONOVAN
Fuck off! I mean...uh, see what you did, you big booer. You threw me off.

HECKLER (O.S.)
I wish they’d throw you off the stage, lush!

PERRY DONOVAN
There’s one every show. Why don’t you just get up here and try to do your little schtick for us, huh?
(beat)
Sit down! Security!
(aside)
What do you mean there’s no sec--I’m a damn star! I have an Emmy!
(beat)
No, daytime. And local.
(to AUDIENCE)
THIS song is by a fantastic new singer about a subject that’s very, very dear and close to me. Tony!

Poorly played piano opening.

PERRY DONOVAN (CONT'D)
(SINGS, loungey)
They try to make me go to REHAB (thank you)
I said NO, NO, NO.
Yes I been black but when I come back, NO, NO, NO.
I ain’t got the time
and if my daddy think I’m fine. Just try to make me go to REHAB--

Piano STOPS.

PERRY DONOVAN (CONT'D)
(to AUDIENCE)
And I’ll rip ya balls right off, sailor! Ha! Funny story. Back in 1978, during my third but certainly not last stint at the sanitarium, who was my roommate but the inimitable Ms. Liza Mins. That’s Minnelli, if you don’t know. Multi-talent, multi-habit. Multi-chins. Tony!

Rimshot.

PERRY DONOVAN (CONT'D)
Love you, Mins. So we were both there at the BEHEST of our quote-unquote loved ones. Betrayal is a second cousin to love, always remember that. Anyhoo, we decided to make the best of the situation by putting on a show, like those faggy let’s save the farm with a good ole barn dance movies her mom used to shit out in the 40s.

Piano begins again.

PERRY DONOVAN (CONT'D)
(SINGS)
I’d rather be at home with Ray.
I’s ain’t got seventeen years. Cause there ain’t NUTTIN, at all you can teach me
that I can’t learn from Sr. Hathway!
Didn’t get a lot in class,
but I know it don’t come in a SHOT GLASS!
BOURBON!
REHAB!
Ain’t goin’!

Piano STOPS.

PERRY DONOVAN (CONT'D)
At this point we had a pretty evolved system of friends, colleagues and fags, I mean fans, who would sneak us in bottles of pre-mixed martinis in shampoo bottles. Liza and I.
(phlegmy chuckle)
I tell ya, I don’t know how many times I ended up with a head full of olives and a mouth full of lather. And Maury you keep your fat mouth shut. So we recruited our mini army to acquire costumes and scenery--I’m tellin’ ya, we’re professionals til the bitter, drug-induced end. And we secretly auditioned the other patients, mostly former TV stars who didn’t have anything to do but the occasional “Love Boat” or miniseries. God, Zsa Zsa was PISSED she didn’t make the final cut. I still have a four karat wound from where she sucker punched me. I’d show you, but I don’t want to get arrested. Again.

Piano begins again.

PERRY DONOVAN (CONT'D)
(SINGS)
The man said why you think you here?
I said, I have no idea. (I rarely do.)
I’m gonna, gonna lose ma baby,
so I always keep a bottle handy. (Here it is.)
He said I just think you’re depressed.
Kiss me, yeah, baby
and go rest.
REHAB!
Fuck it!

Piano STOPS.

PERRY DONOVAN (CONT'D)
So there we were, in the middle of the set. Liza and I were to duet on a particularly poignant rendition of MISS OTIS REGRETS. I was belting, she was belting, I belted louder, she belted louder, I belted louder still and she belted me right in the money-maker. Damn near scratched my jugular out. Well, woman or not, I socked that pixie-haired trollop right in the kisser. No one - except pimps and Jews - slap Perry Donovan.

Piano begins again.

PERRY DONOVAN (CONT'D)
(SINGS)
I don’t ever wanna drink again.

Takes a swig out of a bottle.

PERRY DONOVAN (CONT'D)
(SINGS)
I just, I just need a FRIEND.
I ain’t gon’ spend no damn 10 weeks,
have everyone think I’m in depends.

Piano STOPS.

PERRY DONOVAN (CONT'D)
Needless to say, Li Li and I had to be separated, sedated and placed in solitary confinement after a minor riot - cum fire - started. But after all these years, we’re still the closest of friends. Just don’t turn your back on her...or let her borrow money. You’ll never see it or her again.

Piano begins again.

PERRY DONOVAN (CONT'D)
(SINGS)
It’s not just ma pride!
Just til these damn teas have dried.
They try to make me go to REHAB,
I said NO, NO, NO.
Yes I been black but when I come back, NO, NO, NO.
I ain’t got the time
and if my daddy think I’m fine. Just try to make me go to REHAB--

Piano STOPS.

HECKLER (O.S.)
This show sucks!

PERRY DONOVAN
And so does our mother! Yeah, that’s right. I am so tired of your ingratitude. Here I am, pouring my heart out on this stage, and you pimply sons of Adam can’t throw some damn applause my way. I have a goddamn Emmy!

A large, burly man begins to DRAG him off the stage.

PERRY DONOVAN (CONT'D)
Get your hands off me! I haven’t been manhandled so roughly since the “We Are the World” studio sessions. Diana Ross is a man! Diana Ross is a man!

FADE TO BLACK.