The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Well it's been eight months, so you know what that means! It's time for me to find a new apartment!

Or, my roommates are moving out and I need to find a place to stay by February 1st. Something like that, I really wasn't listening.

I've already begun the search for a new room to live out the rest of my pitiful, weeded-out days. In fact, you caught me running in from Queens, where I saw a nice little corner in the world, as hosted by a rather attractive homosexual male ballet dancer. I say it as if any other kind exists. You must pardon this sudden slip into formality, but you see, I am continuing my trek through the literary jungle and have headed to BEAUTIFUL Paris, between the great wars, travelling along with the roguishly handsome Sir Ernest Hemingway. We've had quite a row or two since our time began, this morning on the F train to 4 Avenue. He, the sporting type, always ready for a drink and usually already nearing the finish of one ensconced in his bear hands. I, on the other paw (pardon the pun) am no drinker, not how I used to be. Once I could drink any lady under the table, now the liver needs time. Time for what, I am not sure, but I hope to return to my college weight class sometime in the future.

Wait, what was I saying?

Oh, yeah, I went to see this apartment in Queens with this cute-ish but hot gay ballet dancer. I don't know if I'll get it, but I do think there was some unspoken and unthought sexual tension between us. I hope I at least get an offer for rough, wet sex if I don't end up getting the room. Or even if I do, I'm easy.

I hate doing this, though. The entire process of finding an apartment, like finding a job, is dull, awkward and ultimately, pointless. And also like finding a job, this is done through craigslist. Thank god for craigslist! I've always wanted a one-stop shop for housing, occupations and paid sexual favors, though I swear it's my first time. And if you look hard enough, you can find all three in one convenient spot. Usually in the mustache of some pervy 49-year old husband and father in Jersey or his gay brother in Chelsea. Take for instance, this charming advert I found today:

$550 - 1MEDIUM SIZE BEDROOM AVAIL.2WINDOWS.UTILITIES INCLUDED
Reply to: hous-121156872@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-12-29, 1:20AM EST


IN SEARCH OF A FEMALE ROOMMATE ONLY.



I'AM A 30YO STRAIGHT MALE,IN A 2BEDROOM APARTMENT.SEPERATE BEDROOMS.I'AM IN SEARCH OF A FEMALE ROOMMATE ONLY.1 MEDIUM SIZE ROOM FOR RENT.UTILITIES ARE INCLUDED,SHARED KITCHEN,LIVING ROOM,& BATHROOM.BEAUTIFUL VIEW OF THE CITY.

I'AM LOOKING FOR AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE WHO IS IN GOOD SHAPE,& NICE BODY.ROOMMATE ONLY TO SHARE WITH ADDED SEX INCLUDED.RENT CAN BE NEGOTIABLE TO A LOWER PRICE WITH ADDED SEX.PLEASE CALL FOR AN INTERVIEW AT (212)240-9?70 ASK FOR MIKE,OR EMAIL ME AT SUGARDADDY4U0077@AOL.COM.YOU CAN TAKE M15 BUS,OR TAKE 4/5/,OR 6TRAINS.TO BROOKLYN BRIDGE CITY HALL.OR A/C/E TRAINS TO FULTON.ROOM IS AVAILABLE ASAP.


SOUTH ST at SOUTH ST,AND PEARL google map yahoo map SOUTH STREET at SOUTH ST,AND PEARL

I love how he tries to sneak the sex in there, just tip it in at the last second. Nimbly. I mean, it sounded a bit suspicious at the start, what with the females only thing. He segues seemlessly, though, describing what sounds like a sweetass apartment that really doesn't exist anywhere in New York. Then there's the second paragraph, with all the qualitities he's looking for in a potential roommate. Now you start to think, there's at least some anal involved in this. The he reveals the magic word, then drops it in a seocnd time just to let you know that you're going to be fucking his fat, greasy Italian sausage. Yes I said Italian. He even has the nerve to set up appointments. Take note, kids. This is the type of hubris and spirit that's missing in our generation. We won't learn this behavior until we are far too old and unattractive to make this less creepy. And just check out that email address. One word: class.

Hopefully by this time next month I'll be living indoors, scrubbing the floor to my papi chulo's kitchen in a pair of cut-offs, fishnets and a smile.

Wish me luck!