Why Are Lesbians So Unkempt Nowadays?

Now, I'm all for individuality and gay rights and all that shit. I'm just saying, what happened to taking pride in one's appearance--gay pride? Give me some Marlene Dietrich, some Greta Garbo, some Tallulah Bankhead. Now those dykes knew how to turn it out. I for one wouldn't mind taking a roll in the sack with any of those ladies. Today's sapphites remind me of twelve-year old boys in both their grooming habits and style of dress. I for one stopped wearing cargo shorts and mandals in like, sixth grade. I understand it's summer and the air's thicker than the beard on Ryan Seacrest, but how about some linen pants? Or some fabulous above the knee, non-denim shorts with a pair of ass-kicking wedges? If heels aren't your thing, and I know they aren't for many of you, how about some ballet slippers? There's nothing wrong with being adorable, just ask Portia de Rossi. Now that's a lez that knows how to glam it up. Remember, ladies and she-fellas, glamour is not just for straight women. And it never was. I mean, look at this:



Stern, austere, ambiguous, but still -- fabulous. (P.S. Can we find a new word to describe fabulosity, I am totally over that word.)

If glamour puss isn't your thing, throw on a pantsuit and some buckle shoes. You can dress a suit up or down depending on the occassion, weather, and level of butch. After all there's nothing sexier than a woman in a tux:



Sisters, I'm not saying this to be mean, nor am I addressing the entire pussy-eating population. Just the ones who think plaid is STILL a staple. I'm talking to you, Rosie. Before you step out the house, just wonder, am I giving the world my best face? If not, throw on some rouge and a touch of foundation. No need to overdo it as a natural look is often more appealing than drag queen chic.

And speaking of drag queens, I see you fags snickering in the background. You little fruits aren't exempt from this scrutiny, either. Here are some tips: Abercrombie and Fitch is tacky. Armani Exchange is tired. FCUK off with the FCUK. The whole point of fashion is to experiment and have fun with it. Throw those graphic tees in the back of your armoir, unpop those collars, and show those straights how to dress. Tally, hoes!