Love on the Dot-Com

Being completely inept at meeting men in the real world--lest you count getting drunk and fondling every naked torso in sight "meeting" someone--I've decided to take to online dating. I've already made many a pass on dudes online and am waiting to hear a response. I might be waiting forever, but where in the past that may have discouraged me, this is Cheki 2006. I'm willing to cast my dick into those gay waters for as long as it takes to get a bite. Then I shall reel that man in, gut 'im, have my way with 'im, stuff 'im and hang 'im on my wall right next to my taxidermied Janice Dickinson. Yes, friends and enemies, this summer I shall conquer that most mysterious of races: the datable gay.

Since I'm a novice at this, I'm starting off slow. Myspace has a bevy of mo's just waiting to hook up, but tucked precariously into its nooks and crannies are those looking for something other than a one night stand. I think I may have found one last night and I sent him a message along these lines:

"Subject: Why, Hello, Sir

Body: I hope I'm not being too forward here, but I really liked your profile and I wanted to know if you wanted to go on a date sometime. I mean, you know, like after proper introductions via AIM, clandestine flirting through various IMs, the occasional brief phone call and other jazzy steps in this awkward mating dance. Once again, I hope this isn't weird---well, let's face it, I already succeeded in making it horribly so--but if you're not turned off by my Hugh Grant-esque befuddlement, my screenname is lefabrat.
Later, :-)"

Who could resist that? Well, since I haven't heard back from him yet, possibly him. But it's only been a few hours, so I won't obsess over it. BUT I WANT HIM NOW!!!

Sorry. I'm really horny. And, not going to lie to ya, drunk. Yes, it's not even 11 am. Don't judge me, assholes.

I've also been trolling Nerve/Onion personals which has--surprisingly--witty, charming, intelligent guys who care more about what you read than the size of your chest. Well, at least in theory. I mean, they are guys. We are a very shallow sex when it all falls down. It's hard to have it both ways: physically attractive and a winning personality. That strange animal does exist, but they almost always are dating someone. Sure, I could kill their insignifcant other. That's the easy way out--if I can get away with it. If I end up in jail, though, face down in the shower after being ravaged by a series of buff men who treat me as just another faceless hole, will it be worth it?...

Um, duh. However, that's a last resort. For now, I'll just try my luck with these online dating sites. If it doesn't work, well, I hope E! does a re-enactment of my trial with Shemar Moore portraying me. What's he doing anyway? Here's to love on the dot-com!