I just hoped there would be a dance break in the middle, where a dozen Grace Jones would march out and rip Pee Wee limb from limb, but I guess it was a family show. For the record, though, Pee Wee's guests included: Little Richard, k.d. lang, Zsa Zsa, Joan Rivers, Cher and I'm sure a tranny somewhere in there. A little flesh-tearing would have fit in just fine, thank you.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
Edumacation
On my way to work, riding the elevator to the sixth floor, a doctor told me that I’m going to go prematurely deaf. He had entered the same time as I, too preoccupied with whatever he was reading to even say ‘excuse me’ when he bumped into me, but when the opening notes of the Supremes “Come See About Me” came marching out from my headphones, he took notice. “If I can hear that…” he began and I removed one headphone, so as not to be disrespectful, but the rest of what he said kind of just melted away. “I’ve been crying—prematurely deaf—boo hoo.” It’s not like I didn’t appreciate his concern, but this wasn’t the first time I’d heard that. Just like it wasn’t the first time that I nodded politely as I walked away, assuring my attempted savior that I would take their advice into consideration. What they don’t seem to understand is that I listen to my music so loudly so I don’t have to listen to anything or anyone else. The more disconnected with the rest of the world I am, the better. And if I end up deaf, which I’m sure I will, well, then it’s my own fault. It’s merely a consequence for a mistake. But most importantly, it’s MY mistake.
I’m beginning to feel the consequences of what may have been a potential mistake. Far too often, the practical side of my personality wins out over my idealistic side. I consider and reconsider every decision in my life, no matter how trivial, because I’m afraid of making the wrong decision. I’ve deliberated for half an hour what to buy for lunch only to decide that I’m not that hungry anymore. But then comes the time when I’m so tired of being afraid that I just say ‘the hell with it’ and jump headfirst into disaster. That dive is almost always immediately followed by regret. However, that was the rationale behind my decision not to go back to school. I wanted to take a chance and pursue writing, music, film, things that made me happiest. It’s like, if I don’t do it now, when will I? The logical step after finishing high school is college. You finish college, then either go onto grad school or find a job. That job will most likely not be in your desired career path, but, hey, bills add up. Eventually, hopefully, you find a job that utilizes that precious degree and those hard-earned skills, or you wake up one day in the same job and wonder exactly what went wrong. The answer is never simple, but following a set path practically invites fucking up somewhere along the line. Truthfully, I never wanted to go to college in the first place. I just wanted to get out of Poughkeepsie and matriculation was the clearest and easiest way to that. Mission: accomplished. Now what?
I was on the “traditional” path until I couldn’t afford NYU anymore, so I had to forge my own path. There was something very exciting in that, not knowing where I was going--I still don’t. But I felt a sort of beauty in fucking up. Everything was falling apart round me, being out of school, ending up homeless and being too stoned and drunk to really care. Disaster. All the while, I was half-heartedly promising myself and my friends that I was going to go back to school because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do and what I thought my friends wanted me to do. After all, what prospects are there for a college dropout? Then I realized that I didn’t want to go back to school. I didn’t want anymore debt, I didn’t want anymore useless classes and I sure as hell didn’t want to start over from scratch. NYU wasn’t about to release my transcript with the thousands of dollars I still owed them. So here I am. I managed to skip the whole finishing school thing and have gone onto the job for a job’s sake. I can’t help feeling twinges of regret, though. Sure I have a job now, but what about a year from now? The initial excitement I felt has decomposed into anxiety and, yes, fear.
On my daily commute to and from work, I notice ads for continuing education. Everyday people smile out at me, happy with their decision to go back to school and urging me to do the same. “Thanks to Interboro, I was able to make a better life for my kids.” Isn’t that sweet? Every time I see one of those ads, that regretting twinge rears its ugly head. How will I ever make a better life for my kids? How will I ever learn English so I can be more viable in the job market? How the hell will I ever start my own eye care business? I could always go back to NYU. I’m pretty sure they have eye care business as a major. I don’t believe it’s for me though. Not just ophthalmology—ha, big word—but university. It all comes down to structure and organization. For some people, they need that structure in order to thrive and that’s fine. I find, however, I need a lack of structure since it allows me to find my own way. If I’m told what to do, either by some well-meaning doctor, or by some clueless professor, I’ll simply ignore it. The world is all noise to me and I need to sort through it I order to find the sound that appeals to me most. And if I should go deaf in the process, well, at least I won’t have to listen to anyone ever again. A win-win situation, if you ask me.
I’m beginning to feel the consequences of what may have been a potential mistake. Far too often, the practical side of my personality wins out over my idealistic side. I consider and reconsider every decision in my life, no matter how trivial, because I’m afraid of making the wrong decision. I’ve deliberated for half an hour what to buy for lunch only to decide that I’m not that hungry anymore. But then comes the time when I’m so tired of being afraid that I just say ‘the hell with it’ and jump headfirst into disaster. That dive is almost always immediately followed by regret. However, that was the rationale behind my decision not to go back to school. I wanted to take a chance and pursue writing, music, film, things that made me happiest. It’s like, if I don’t do it now, when will I? The logical step after finishing high school is college. You finish college, then either go onto grad school or find a job. That job will most likely not be in your desired career path, but, hey, bills add up. Eventually, hopefully, you find a job that utilizes that precious degree and those hard-earned skills, or you wake up one day in the same job and wonder exactly what went wrong. The answer is never simple, but following a set path practically invites fucking up somewhere along the line. Truthfully, I never wanted to go to college in the first place. I just wanted to get out of Poughkeepsie and matriculation was the clearest and easiest way to that. Mission: accomplished. Now what?
I was on the “traditional” path until I couldn’t afford NYU anymore, so I had to forge my own path. There was something very exciting in that, not knowing where I was going--I still don’t. But I felt a sort of beauty in fucking up. Everything was falling apart round me, being out of school, ending up homeless and being too stoned and drunk to really care. Disaster. All the while, I was half-heartedly promising myself and my friends that I was going to go back to school because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do and what I thought my friends wanted me to do. After all, what prospects are there for a college dropout? Then I realized that I didn’t want to go back to school. I didn’t want anymore debt, I didn’t want anymore useless classes and I sure as hell didn’t want to start over from scratch. NYU wasn’t about to release my transcript with the thousands of dollars I still owed them. So here I am. I managed to skip the whole finishing school thing and have gone onto the job for a job’s sake. I can’t help feeling twinges of regret, though. Sure I have a job now, but what about a year from now? The initial excitement I felt has decomposed into anxiety and, yes, fear.
On my daily commute to and from work, I notice ads for continuing education. Everyday people smile out at me, happy with their decision to go back to school and urging me to do the same. “Thanks to Interboro, I was able to make a better life for my kids.” Isn’t that sweet? Every time I see one of those ads, that regretting twinge rears its ugly head. How will I ever make a better life for my kids? How will I ever learn English so I can be more viable in the job market? How the hell will I ever start my own eye care business? I could always go back to NYU. I’m pretty sure they have eye care business as a major. I don’t believe it’s for me though. Not just ophthalmology—ha, big word—but university. It all comes down to structure and organization. For some people, they need that structure in order to thrive and that’s fine. I find, however, I need a lack of structure since it allows me to find my own way. If I’m told what to do, either by some well-meaning doctor, or by some clueless professor, I’ll simply ignore it. The world is all noise to me and I need to sort through it I order to find the sound that appeals to me most. And if I should go deaf in the process, well, at least I won’t have to listen to anyone ever again. A win-win situation, if you ask me.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
This Mating Dance
Skin-tight T-shirts
They just love how you flirt
Butt-hugging jeans
You’re the star of the scene
2 drinks in hand, you storm the bar
To wake up next morning with no idea where you are
And your crotch has an itch you just can’t scratch
Yet you’re what some might call ‘quite a catch’
With gym-toned body and vacant stare
You left your glasses behind for a pair
Of contacts, now without a care
You go out each night, but find no one there
Take the lead in this mating dance
Just maybe you’ll put him in a trance
Then you can finally rest your feet
Finally feeling, that for once, you’re complete
Life’s filled with glee
When all your drugs are free
To keep things fun
You like not knowing what you’ve done
And with the beat in your ears
All anxiety melts and disappears
You think of old friends back home
While regretting that last drop of patron
Then push them out your mind
You just wanna have a good time
But in the mirror, behind that last line
‘The reflection staring back ain’t mine’
Take the lead in this mating dance
Just maybe you’ll put him in a trance
Then you can finally rest your feet
Finally feeling, that for once, you’re complete
Who are they all, crowded in together?
Young ones and old ones who should really know better
The stench of desperation fills the sweat-drenched air
As you sip one lonely drink by the bar in despair
It’s been too long, what does it hold for you?
But another hook up, another night to wash out your ‘do
Fat’s building up around your middle and the boys don’t look twice
Even the bartenders ignore a simple request for more ice
Defeated, you leave the old IT spot, unaware of the new
It’s been too long, what does it hold for you?
Take the lead in this mating dance
Just maybe you’ll put him in your trance
But maybe’s fickle, a 50-50 chance
Lean against the wall, sit out this tired mating dance
They just love how you flirt
Butt-hugging jeans
You’re the star of the scene
2 drinks in hand, you storm the bar
To wake up next morning with no idea where you are
And your crotch has an itch you just can’t scratch
Yet you’re what some might call ‘quite a catch’
With gym-toned body and vacant stare
You left your glasses behind for a pair
Of contacts, now without a care
You go out each night, but find no one there
Take the lead in this mating dance
Just maybe you’ll put him in a trance
Then you can finally rest your feet
Finally feeling, that for once, you’re complete
Life’s filled with glee
When all your drugs are free
To keep things fun
You like not knowing what you’ve done
And with the beat in your ears
All anxiety melts and disappears
You think of old friends back home
While regretting that last drop of patron
Then push them out your mind
You just wanna have a good time
But in the mirror, behind that last line
‘The reflection staring back ain’t mine’
Take the lead in this mating dance
Just maybe you’ll put him in a trance
Then you can finally rest your feet
Finally feeling, that for once, you’re complete
Who are they all, crowded in together?
Young ones and old ones who should really know better
The stench of desperation fills the sweat-drenched air
As you sip one lonely drink by the bar in despair
It’s been too long, what does it hold for you?
But another hook up, another night to wash out your ‘do
Fat’s building up around your middle and the boys don’t look twice
Even the bartenders ignore a simple request for more ice
Defeated, you leave the old IT spot, unaware of the new
It’s been too long, what does it hold for you?
Take the lead in this mating dance
Just maybe you’ll put him in your trance
But maybe’s fickle, a 50-50 chance
Lean against the wall, sit out this tired mating dance
Friday, December 01, 2006
Celebrate Good Times, C'mon! FAWWWWNK!
Ooh, I just realized it's been (over) a year since I started my blog. An entire 11 months longer than I had expected my attention span to hold up. It's time to pop open some bubbly! Yeah, so what is' only noon, don't you dare fucking judge me.
It Looks Hopeless from Here but Admittedly I’m Near-Sighted
It looks hopeless from here but admittedly I’m near-sighted
I look to the sun, to see the bright side, you can’t say I didn’t try it
It only burned my eyes, the air filled with my cries, don’t sound too delighted
To see me fall, you know stars always fall the farthest and the world watches
Truth be told, I’m living in disappointment, been knocked down a few notches
But it hurts most to try, then fail, get back up and repeat the process
I can’t move forward because I’m always set back
I’d lift my head up, but I don’t know where my head’s at
Subsisting out of bags and on couches, I can’t shake it
I’m a burden to my friends, though you could debate it
‘Cause they’re all I have, in the pit of my stomach I hate it
Being a pariah, a motherless child if there was ever one created
She didn’t plan me, I supposed, being 42 and unwed
We ran to the states and I saw snow, the first time it fell
It was cold then and it never seemed to warm, oh well
If she ever loved me, I’ll never know, see we never discussed it
As I drop my head, moistened eyes, it’s like I’ve rehearsed it
I wish these days would halcyon up, let’s move the gloom along
Because I hate my life and my job but I know that it’s wrong
To look at the world, take a blind eye and sing your own sad song
Everything’s wrong, but everything’s wrong! Life is too long
Cruel little game we’re forced to play as if it’s our infinite duty
I hate the people who insist every day’s filled with infinite beauty
They’re too blind or simply they refuse to see the infinite cruelty
Wedged between those moments that make water fill your eyes
Expecting the worst leaves me open to be surprised
It looks hopeless from here but admittedly I’m near-sighted
I look to the sun, to see the bright side, you can’t say I didn’t try it
It only burned my eyes, the air filled with my cries, don’t sound too delighted
To see me fall, you know stars always fall the farthest and the world watches
Truth be told, I’m living in disappointment, been knocked down a few notches
But it hurts most to try, then fail get back up and repeat the process
I can’t move forward because I’m always set back
I’d lift my head up, but I don’t know where my head’s at
I look to the sun, to see the bright side, you can’t say I didn’t try it
It only burned my eyes, the air filled with my cries, don’t sound too delighted
To see me fall, you know stars always fall the farthest and the world watches
Truth be told, I’m living in disappointment, been knocked down a few notches
But it hurts most to try, then fail, get back up and repeat the process
I can’t move forward because I’m always set back
I’d lift my head up, but I don’t know where my head’s at
Subsisting out of bags and on couches, I can’t shake it
I’m a burden to my friends, though you could debate it
‘Cause they’re all I have, in the pit of my stomach I hate it
Being a pariah, a motherless child if there was ever one created
She didn’t plan me, I supposed, being 42 and unwed
We ran to the states and I saw snow, the first time it fell
It was cold then and it never seemed to warm, oh well
If she ever loved me, I’ll never know, see we never discussed it
As I drop my head, moistened eyes, it’s like I’ve rehearsed it
I wish these days would halcyon up, let’s move the gloom along
Because I hate my life and my job but I know that it’s wrong
To look at the world, take a blind eye and sing your own sad song
Everything’s wrong, but everything’s wrong! Life is too long
Cruel little game we’re forced to play as if it’s our infinite duty
I hate the people who insist every day’s filled with infinite beauty
They’re too blind or simply they refuse to see the infinite cruelty
Wedged between those moments that make water fill your eyes
Expecting the worst leaves me open to be surprised
It looks hopeless from here but admittedly I’m near-sighted
I look to the sun, to see the bright side, you can’t say I didn’t try it
It only burned my eyes, the air filled with my cries, don’t sound too delighted
To see me fall, you know stars always fall the farthest and the world watches
Truth be told, I’m living in disappointment, been knocked down a few notches
But it hurts most to try, then fail get back up and repeat the process
I can’t move forward because I’m always set back
I’d lift my head up, but I don’t know where my head’s at
He Looks Like If Ryan Phillippe and John Stamos Had A Gay Baby
Hey Kids, remember this?
Well, I was trolling through youtube last night for something to wank off to when I found these gems:
Well, I was trolling through youtube last night for something to wank off to when I found these gems:
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